eighteen weeks

We've made it eighteen weeks. I'm still just as nervous as I was the day we found out, and I'm starting to think that's not really going to improve. I'm also still sick at least 50% of the time, and while that's obviously a huge improvement over 100% of the time, it's by no means fun. I think all the nausea is really hampering my ability to appreciate each moment I'm given...

Despite the undercurrent of anxiety, worry hasn't really been my focus this week. I'm sure that (along with the three straight months of sickness) contributes to the awful mood I'm in, but I'm going to attribute the mood mostly to the fact that I'm back in my normal place of feeling alone. I don't see why we have to constantly fixate on life stage as the basis for relationships, but inevitably, someone wants to go that way. And it sucks to lose people I care about because of something that should be good. Yes, I'm married, and we're going to have a baby. No, that doesn't mean I can no longer be your friend.

It's particularly frustrating to me that it always seems to be my Christian friends who want to take that route. I get the temptation. I hate change as much as anyone, but being on the other side, it hurts when your friends abandon you. It's also really hard to explain to my non-Christian friends why they would want to consider Christ when they see how much pain these "church" relationships end up causing me. They don't get why I keep coming back, and it's a fair question. We've been friends for years, and they would never dream of cutting someone out just for getting married or divorced or having or not having kids. Why would they want to subject themselves to this?

So today I'm sad and just want this week to be over. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

excited?

The day I thought would never come is here: I'm pregnant!

And now I don't really know what to say.

I know all the "right" things, but for some reason those just don't seem to fit right now. As we've gradually told people over the past couple of weeks, the question I've been asked more than any other is, "Are you excited?!?" It's a totally "right" question, and for my own sake and the sake of the happy askers, I usually just say yes. But, if I'm honest, I'm not excited. While I appreciate the huge blessing we've been given, this doesn't feel real. I want to feel the hopeful happiness I see others feeling, but I can't stop thinking that something this good can't actually be happening, not to me. So it's not exactly exciting... it's surreal.

We found out a little over two months ago, and since then I've spent most of my time certain that I'd have a miscarriage. When I reached the point where that became less likely, I moved on to other fears. I can think of a million ways this could turn out badly, but after years of thinking it could never happen for us and watching so many people go through heartbreak after heartbreak, I just can't let myself believe that we might have an actual, precious little baby to hold in November. The risk feels too big.

So for today, I'm cautiously optimistic (so cautiously that I'm a little afraid to admit there's even a glimmer of hope), not excited. We'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings...

conversations with five year olds

The scene: Table covered with bottles of paint, paintbrushes, and paper.

Kid: What are you doing?

Me (clearly stirring paint): Mixing the paint so you can start on your picture of Little Blue and Little Yellow.

Kid: Why is it taking so long?

Me: Well, the paint in your picture is sort of yellowish green, but this green is too blue. I have to make it match.

As I continue to stir a small drop of paint splashes from the container onto my finger.

Kid (highly concerned): There's PAINT on your finger.

Me: I know. It's ok. I'll clean it off when I'm done, but thanks for letting me know.

Kid continues watching my hand very intently as though it might explode.

Kid (after obvious consideration): Well, don't lick it, ok?

I stop stirring and look to see if he's actually serious and determine that he does, in fact, think there is a chance I might lick tempera paint off my finger.

Me (quite seriously): Ok. I definitely won't.

Kid smiles, obviously relieved, and walks away.


Just another day in kindergarten...

always the same

Last night we saw Jill Phillips in concert.

For you to understand the rest of the post, you'll need to know something almost no one knows about me: I absolutely adore Jill Phillips. I think she might be my favorite singer, and considering how much I love music, that says a lot. One album in particular lived in the CD player in my car for at least two years, and had it not been scratched, it might have never left. Her music is honest and humble, and many of the ideas she sings about are things that I wrestle with constantly... I LOVE Jill.

So, needless to say, I've been super excited about this concert, and it lived up to every one of my expectations. But, from the moment she hit the first note, I had to fight back tears. I'm pretty good at ignoring God when I'm hurting, but the familiarity of her voice and the intimacy of her lyrics pulled me back to the present. The music was too embedded in my soul to be ignored.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been dealing with lots of drama... primarily in the form of CPS reports. As a teacher, I've reported more families than I can remember over the past eight years. It's always sad, but it comes with the territory, particularly when teaching younger kids because they have no filter. If something weird is going on at home, they talk about it. Most often, everything turns out to be ok. Unfortunately, this situation has completely blown up, and once again I've been faced with difficult questions about the character of God.

I don't understand why God chooses to put children in that sort of situation, particularly when there are so many perfectly fit couples who desperately want children that he doesn't allow them to have. There are plenty of other hard questions about God that I'll never have an answer to, but working with children and dealing with infertility, that one seems to come up a lot for me. Why them? Why not us? My response tends to be distance... to pull away from this God I don't understand, this God who would rather let children be beaten than allow us to parent... and then I start to doubt the sovereignty and goodness of his plan.

That's where I've been lately. Distant. But last night, sitting in a very nondescript chair in a tiny, strip mall church, I felt God's presence in a way I haven't in quite awhile. The hope I asked for on Thursday night was there, and though I tried to push it away, by the time Jill started singing her last song, tears were rolling down my cheeks. It was an old song, my very favorite: I Am... all about the character of God.

I don't understand God's plan for us, and I certainly don't understand God's plan for the child I've anguished over for the past few weeks, but as he reminded me last night, I know he hasn't changed. He's still here with me, knows all my deepest doubts and fears, and still loves me just the same as he always has. He's still wise, and he's still in control, even when the situation seems completely abysmal.

I'm not sure I'm ready to totally let go of my doubt and allow him to comfort me in my pain. I can't reconcile the idea that the comfort would come from the one who's allowing the heartache, but at least I remember that he'll be there when I finally can.

ice, Isaiah, and hope

So the ice week was INCREDIBLY boring! Having four days off school sounds fun, but it wasn't that great. I had to sit at home because our driveway and street were insanely slippery, and after four days without seeing anyone except my husband I was mostly ready to scream... nothing remotely interesting happened.

This week has been just slightly more eventful. We've only been out of school for a day, but I've still spent most of the evenings at home. One positive side effect of the new, stricter diet has been that we rarely eat out or even go anywhere after my husband comes home from work... great for a budget but not so exciting to write about! Life has been calm, and that's been fabulous. It just doesn't make for an interesting blog.

Tonight I finally made it out into the real world for the first week of the spring women's Bible study. I've been excited to see my old friends, but I've been even more interested to start our study of Isaiah. As I walked out of the stairwell into the crowd of people around the registration table I saw the books we would be using stacked up next to the rosters, and I was at once thrilled and taken aback by the title of the commentary, Be Comforted. I know there's so much more in Isaiah than just hope, but I'm not sure there could be a better title to describe what I most want from God right now: to feel his presence and love... to be comforted.

So I'm hopeful. It's going to be a great study. I even talked with a new girl in my group who lives in my neighborhood. ME. I talked to someone new and actually connected. On the first night. Amazing.

The semester (of Bible study, anyway) is off to a good start!

good stuff!

Ok, so I had high hopes of writing a positive, cheerful post this week, and I'm going to. My week was, um... interesting, I guess. Lots of extremes, both high and low, but I'm in the mood to forget the awful and focus on the good. So here you go! A list of the good stuff...

1. Eating organic strawberries... as it turns out, fruit tastes SO much yummier now that I'm not constantly stuffing my face with processed sugar.

2. Winning the lunch room award for the 2nd week in a row! We got to have extra recess Friday in the gorgeous sun. Amazing.

3. Co-workers who took up the slack when I was dealing with crisis and helped my kids make the puppets that rocked the rest of our day... infinitely thankful.

4. Getting to go to dinner with my husband before he left for the weekend

5. Wearing short sleeves and capris yesterday... totally needed the spring-like sun!

6. Playing Clue with some great friends... can't remember the last time I played Clue, but it was my favorite as a kid. Luckily we caught the dastardly Mr. Green in the kitchen with the lead pipe before he made his escape.

7. Receiving a beautiful calendar with photos taken by a friend and scriptures that will encourage me all year... the gift that will keep on giving even when things are hard. :)

It seems like a sort of short list, but I think seven will do for this post. Perhaps I'll have more next week.

the new diet

For the past four years or so I've had an ongoing war with my dietitian over the fact that I eat far too many carbohydrates and not enough protein. At first I tried to appease her by following her plan, but as time passed I sort of gave up. I never got all the protein in, and I was still relatively healthy. I'd go through phases of compliance and attempted to eat protein at every meal even on the bad days, but the issue never really went away.

Fast forward to last Friday. I'm sitting in my doctor's office listening to her debate possible diagnoses when it comes up that a possible treatment for one of the conditions is a low-carb diet. Now, I went into this appointment knowing that I could hear all sorts of bad news, but my immediate thought when she said that was, "You've got to be kidding me. This is the WORST!" I know. It sounds so absolutely self-centered and immature, but in that moment it felt like I was being told that not only do I have to deal with infertility and all that goes with that, I now have to give up everything I like to eat, possibly for the rest of my life... and that sounded like one too many things to deal with right now.

It took a bit, but I calmed down and accepted that miserable as it might be, I had to change my diet. At first it was every bit as awful as I expected. I walked out of the grocery store early in the week with an entire basket of foods that were completely unappealing to me, and I wanted to cry. In fact, that was how I felt with every bite of food for the first 4 or 5 days. However, once I got past the initial shock, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm finding foods that I like that have more protein, and I don't miss sugar as much as I did in the beginning. I'm even excited about the food I bought at the grocery store this afternoon. Who knows if it will work the way we're hoping, but at least for the time being I'm in a much better mood.

Maybe this will be great... can't hurt to hope, right?

the tipping point

I had a crummy week.

I want to write a positive post because I feel guilty for spending so much time complaining about what I don't have when I've been immensely blessed in comparison to most of the rest of the world, but if I'm honest, it's been a hard week. I've spent so much time worrying about and waiting for doctor's appointments and test results that I've become even more self-absorbed than usual. Life has revolved completely around me, and being me hasn't been very fun.

My new student teacher came for the first time this Wednesday, and I realized about five minutes in that starting down the path of fertility treatments has already changed me for the worse. I think I was a pretty good mentor in the fall, but just the thought of mentoring this new girl makes me tired. It's not that I think she'll be particularly difficult or anything. It's just that she's one more person I have to take care of, and taking care of extra people feels really hard when I've got so much going on outside of school.

Teaching little bitties has always been emotionally demanding. In fact, it used to feel crushing to me, but this year it hasn't. Until this week, picking up my kids in the mornings tended to be the highlight of the day. They would see me walk in the door and jump up, all fighting to be first to tell me whatever exciting news they've picked up since the previous afternoon, and the stress of the rest of my life would melt away. This week that didn't happen. There were moments that they'd do or say something precious and I'd get pulled back in for a bit, but apparently I've reached the tipping point where the stress is too much to sweep under the carpet with a few cute smiles. Adding responsibilities certainly didn't help.

I'm beyond thankful for the moments that were special. Seeing a picture of words written in chalk on a sidewalk proclaiming to the world that I take care of my class when they're hurt and help them with their learning. Escaping into a magical pirate world during recess with one of my autistic kids. Reading a card that described me as "loevly." Having a dance party after we were the best behaved kindergarten class in the lunch room yet again. Those are the parts of the week that I want to remember. That's the post I want to write... the one where my week totally rocked.

Maybe next week...

reality

Infertility sucks.

I've shied away from using that word to describe what I'm going through, but since my doctor seems ok with claiming it, I guess it's time that I accept that it's accurate. I'm dealing with infertility. It is an issue, and it isn't going to magically disappear. It's my reality. My problem has always been that I have friends much further down the path than me, people who've gone through years and years of heartache, and I tend to feel guilty placing us all in the same category. I don't know when the magic moment would be when I would have felt enough pain to qualify though, so perhaps it's time to let go of that distinction and admit that, unfortunately, I already do.

I've enjoyed the last couple of weeks because, to be completely honest, I'd given up hope of ever getting pregnant. That sounds like a really awful place to be, but surprisingly, it wasn't. I'd started researching other options like fostering or adopting kids, and I started to get excited about those things. I could walk through the children's building at church or read that another friend was pregnant and not want to scream out of jealousy or burst into tears, and that was nice. Life wasn't going as I planned, but this was a workable alternative.

Then I went to the doctor, and she brought hope back into the equation.

It's counter intuitive, but when she insisted there was still lots of hope for me getting pregnant, everything fell apart again. Not immediately. At first I was thrilled, but that didn't last long. The problem with this new hope of pregnancy is that along with it comes a lot of risk. Treatments that may or may not work. More months or years of the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results, knowing the answer I want is unlikely, but still getting my hopes up anyway. Having my heart ripped out every time another friend announces her "accidental" pregnancy. Life-altering ethical decisions that scare me to death. When the situation looked hopeless, there was a peace in at least having a clear answer and an end in sight, but with hope there's no black or white next step... just lots of uncertainty.

So that's this week. I'm glad it's almost over...

a new year

We're only five days in, but 2011 is already off to a better start than 2010. No one has died. I haven't lost my voice. My bones are all intact (well, as far as I know). The first week of this year is definitely an improvement!

Actually though, this week has been great. Other than having to wake up early, being back at work is wonderful. I've always known that I thrive on structure and sameness, but lately the routine of school is a greater comfort than usual... well, except for the part where the kids are irate about my new haircut. They had a MUCH stronger reaction than I expected, but luckily they seem to be adapting. Today I only got two, "You look like a boy," comments which was a huge improvement over the roughly two hundred critical comments yesterday.

Nothing in my life has really changed. All the problems that were here last week are still around today, but it's amazing how the perception of a fresh start and the reality of eighteen smiling faces thrilled to be back at school has improved my outlook on life. That, coupled with a great conversation with a friend over dinner, has made for one of the best days in a long time.

The problems will come back to the forefront soon enough, I'm sure, but for now I'm going to enjoy the rest of this first fabulous week. Happy January!

goodbye, 2010!

Last December I made the comment that 2009 was so good that I didn't think 2010 could compete, and while 2010 had its good moments, I can definitely say my prediction was right. It's been a rough year.

I hope 2011 will be better, but if I'm honest, I don't really believe that it will be. There are no simple answers to the problems weighing on my heart, and I know that the next few weeks and months are going to bring answers I don't want to hear and decisions I don't want to make. Despite that, I am hopeful that at least we're reaching a place where there will be answers, even if they aren't the ones I want. Waiting and wondering is exhausting, so I will gladly move past that stage.

At any rate, tomorrow means a new year and the end of the holiday season, and I'm SO ready! Goodbye, 2010. I'm not so sad to see you go...

a shift I never expected...

Usually breaks from school are sort of the best part of my job. There are moments of teaching that are great, but the many, many holidays are definitely a plus. For the past month or so I've noticed myself dreading the breaks. That was the first sign there might be a problem.

I've gone back and forth with whether or not the mood I'm in qualifies as depression because it's so transient. When I have tons of free time, like during school breaks, I inevitably start thinking about how very different I always thought my life would be, but as long as I'm distracted by work for most of the day, I'm ok. It probably doesn't help that holidays pretty much revolve around children, but still. I don't know that there's ever been a time when work was the thing I looked forward to. I used to try to pretend the breaks wouldn't end. Now I'm almost ready to start some sort of countdown until my life is filled with distractions again and the sadness won't be so consuming.

I realized today that a lot of the sadness comes not from the frustration of waiting like I sort of thought but from the worry that no kids now will mean no kids ever. It might be begrudgingly, but I can accept later. But when I start to think about never... that God might have deliberately chosen for me to be childless... I have no schema for that possibility. Over the past few years of being on and off meds and dealing with what that might mean for having kids I considered lots of possible eventualities, but even my worst case scenarios involved us with kids. Now that we're actually here though, it turns out that considering things in the abstract, way-off future is a lot different than considering them as possible next steps, and suddenly the idea of us ending up childless is looking like a very real possibility to me.

I've already been told by roughly everyone I know that I'm being too negative, and maybe I am. I could get pregnant any time. After all, God can do whatever he chooses... but what if nothing changes?

What if this is the path he chose?

what a difference a year makes!

I'm having a hard time believing it's almost Christmas again.

Last December was kind of huge for me, although I didn't know at this point that it was going to be. I spent the end of November and the beginning of December redoing some of the more painful parts of my inventory, the ones I glossed over the first time through. I knew from the start that it would be an important step, but it ended up being bigger than I had even begun to imagine. By the time I'd finished praying and writing and sharing, I was exhausted and ready to give up, but I'll never forget the words one of the women spoke after listening to all my deepest secrets: God created you to bring him joy. As I sat there attempting to soak that statement in, everything changed.

See, somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the belief that God created me to make people miserable... and that's a pretty awful thing to believe. I'd heard that God loved me, and I believed that he did. I just thought that it was more the sort of thing where he loved me because he had to. You know, because God has to love everyone, even the people who are here only to bring misery. It's amazing how much that one belief impacted EVERYTHING! There was nothing at all left untouched by the deep loneliness that came with believing I ruined everyone and everything I was near, so when I heard someone say that not only was that belief completely false, that God actually found JOY in ME... there are no words to express the joy I felt. It sounds cliche, but that moment changed my  life.

Over the next few weeks and months the new belief, that I'm adored by God and bring him joy, began to take hold, and while I'm by no means perfect, I'm loving that the change is still evident a year later and grows deeper each day. I sat down for coffee this afternoon with that woman, and as we chatted, I was shocked again at just how much I've changed (you'd think that at some point I'd stop being so surprised...). I'm slowly getting better at trusting people who say they care about me, although it's still a huge struggle, but even more surprising to me, I realized I no longer see my relationships as completely one sided where I have nothing worthwhile to offer. Some days are better than others when it comes to living that out, but a year ago even the good days were worse than the not so good days now... and that's amazing.

This December isn't shaping up to be a blockbuster like last year, but I'm starting to think that might be ok. Maybe it's time to appreciate all that I've already gotten.

the path that was best

My posts haven't been the happiest as of late. I've had a lot of not so fun stuff going on with school starting and things just generally not going my way, but this weekend was awesome... so I'm going to try to be a little more positive.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to two friends about God's plans (of course), and I made the comment that I knew God had a plan for me but I just wished I could see it right now. When I look at the people who've impacted me greatly, most of them aren't exactly where they wish they were, and while I know it's sometimes painful for them to not get what they want in life, I also see how God has used them to change my life. If they were living the lives they wanted with husbands and families, they wouldn't have been there to play the role God had for them in my life. Again, it's selfish, but it's easy for me to see that while God's plan may not be easy for them, it's definitely a good one, at least for my sake... and I wanted to see that in my own life. As my friends quickly reminded me, we don't always get to see why the plan is better, so I tried to put that desire out of my mind as something that just wasn't going to happen.

And that brings us to yesterday! After several months of scheduling and rescheduling and one conflict after another, I finally got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since before school started. We went for yogurt, but most of the afternoon was spent simply sitting in her living room talking (and laughing so hard I could hardly breathe). She knows me quite well, so when she asked how she could pray for me, I responded more honestly than I might have with someone else. I told her that I've been praying that I'd accept God's plan no matter what it is, even if it doesn't line up with my own, and then I told her the story about the women who've impacted me and how I wished that I could see God's plan so clearly in my own life. By that point I was tearing up, but she looked at me sort of questioningly and said, "You seriously don't see it?" I said no, and she replied, "You're that person to us."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as she kept talking, but even more than being touched by the sweet words she was saying, I was humbled that God gave me what I wanted. He let me see how the past few years of my life not going as I hoped had actually impacted someone else's life, and he showed me that despite my fussing, this plan was great. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go back and get my own way if it meant losing this relationship. I never would have chosen this path or even imagined it could exist, but it truly was the best one.

Getting this glimpse of God's plan doesn't totally take away the struggle of wanting my own way for my future, but it's definitely a huge encouragement that God's plan isn't just best for other people. He cares about me and has my best interests in mind, too. I'm grateful that he took the time to remind me and give me another moment to look back on the next time I start to doubt.

the theme

Since I wrote my last post, the enduring topic in my life has been plans. God's plan. My plan. Other people's plans. It's like everywhere I turn someone is talking or teaching or complaining about the plan for her life. It seems to be the theme this fall. Normally I might wonder why I was so inescapably surrounded by one topic, but this time I can't even pretend not to know. It's completely appropriate because while I have moments of acceptance, the theme of MY fall has been displeasure with the course my life is taking.

I want to trust God's plan. I really do, and logically I should. I've seen his promises play out in my life time and time again, and he's brought me through things I thought I could never overcome. I should trust... but I don't. I'm selfish and prideful, and I still want my own way.

Unfortunately, wallowing in my selfishness has caused me to miss celebrating a lot of the blessings I've been given this fall. I'm off ALL my medications and have been for six months. I'm having a great year at work and getting the chance to impact people around me in ways that I haven't before. I paused today to consider my response before spitting some ugly words at a friend who hurt me which might seem small except that I spent most of my life destroying relationships by responding in just that way. Each of those things is HUGE, but all of them and plenty of others have gotten lost in the struggle to accept that I'm not going to get my way right now.

I've been reading a book that gives nice, quick lists of steps to fix various problems (like selfishness... how lucky!), but as much as I wish everything could be fixed in seven quick steps, life isn't that easy. After spending most of the afternoon in tears, I'm feeling secure in God's love tonight and trusting that there's something in this path that's better even though it hurts right now, but that's only today. Tomorrow the struggle will be fresh. I wonder if it ever gets easier...

plans

For the past few months I've found it harder and harder to come up with anything I want to write. Summer was totally awesome, but since I was working for a family that basically all of you know, it didn't seem right to share the stories I came home with at the end of the day. Now that school has started again, the content isn't a problem... it's the complete and utter lack of motivation.

This week will be the 10th week of the school year (crazy!!!), and for about the first 8 weeks I was completely and utterly miserable. I transitioned from spending the summer working for the best people EVER to my regular, stressful, not so fun job. Coming back from summer is never fun, but this year it was especially awful for me. I missed getting to hang out with the family I worked for over the summer, and although everyone acted like I should just slip back into kindergarten like I'd never left, that's not how it worked out at all. I was totally lost for the first couple of weeks, and then once I got my footing I still had to deal not only with all the politics and paperwork I hate, but also with the disappointment that I was starting my 8th year of teaching rather than staying home with the children I wish I had. All of that added up to a great recipe for depression, and around week 2 it hit. Hard. Luckily, after a few days I picked myself up and reached out to a couple of my favorite people, and as it turns out, all those coping strategies I've learned in the past few years work shockingly well when I actually use them.

It took a few more weeks, but things have leveled out again. The crippling anxiety that always seems to come with the beginning of school has tapered off, even without medication, and I'm finally starting to enjoy my class and not mind so much that God's plan for my job doesn't line up with what I want at the moment. It helps that my kids have said several adorable things lately, and I keep getting compliments on my fabulous teaching. Who wouldn't like that? I also got a student teacher who seems great so far, and I've noticed that unlike last year, I actually enjoy mentoring her and feel confident in what I'm teaching and modeling for her. Maybe there's hope for the school year after all.

It's also the end of October, and while September was a little rough, I'm feeling great right now... huge, huge, HUGE event considering that I can't remember the last time I felt normal in fall without medication. Maybe when I was 10 or 11? If you'd asked me this time a year ago, I'd have told you this day would never come. Luckily, in this case, God's plan doesn't always line up with mine!

it's never just lunch...

A few days ago I met a friend for lunch. I looked forward to it all week and had a great time because she totally rocks, but I left wondering, "Why on earth does she choose to spend time with me???" I mean, I'm shy and somewhat awkward with people and not exactly super fun most of the time, and she has plenty of other better options. Why me?

Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.

The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.

Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...

Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)

the best summer yet?

Yesterday a friend told me that she was pretty sure summer would be the best part of being a teacher.

My immediate response was that yes, summer is definitely the best part of my job, but as I thought about it today, I remembered that it wasn't always that way. The first few summers were lonely and boring, particularly my first summer here in Dallas. It was nice to have two months off work, but sitting at home all day by myself wasn't all that thrilling. In fact, it was pretty depressing.

This summer (so far) has been the best yet. As of a few weeks ago, I'm completely off ALL my depression and anxiety meds for the first time in almost three years, and I feel great. This time last year, I thought this day would never come, but by the grace of God, it did. Just thinking about the healing and change in my life makes me smile uncontrollably. I'm also babysitting part time for a family that I adore, and they just happen to love me right back. I wake up in the mornings excited to head to their house to see what the boys and their mom have planned for our day. And we went to the lake last weekend with our new community group and had a great time, AND I made it home without getting sunburned. June is going great so far.

There are still some changes going on that I don't like or understand, but at the moment I'm so thrilled with the blessings of this week that I've been able to put those fears aside. I can see how some of these difficult situations are opening up new opportunities that I never thought I'd have, but it's still hard. I want things to be the same. I want my own way.

I want what I know... even though what I'm getting may be better.

another year down

The experiment in fourth grade is officially over. My kids and I moved all my stuff down the hall right back where it came from, and then after a giant group hug, they walked out the door as proud fifth graders. It's summer!

I found out about three weeks ago that I'd be moving back to kindergarten, but until yesterday, it was officially a secret (although I'd told plenty of non-school people anyway). I didn't want to move. A lot of people have been shocked to hear that I wanted to stay put after my worries about moving to fourth grade in the first place, but I did. I felt like I finally figured out what I was doing around March, so I was excited to start next year knowing all that I do now. It was going to be great.

I'm trying to believe that kindergarten will be great too, and there are moments when I do. Today I was walking down the hall when about six random kindergartners decided to hug me just because their friend (who I actually knew) gave me a hug when she walked by. That's something big kids just don't do. My Lakeshore kids and lots of other things I used to love will be able to come out of storage, and I enjoyed seeing natural light shining through the leaves of the tree outside my window when we moved everything back into my old room. It's not what I wanted, but I'm starting to come around to the idea.

My attitude is pretty good now, but it hasn't been for the past few weeks. I didn't (and still don't) understand God's plan in this situation or in several others that I've faced since the middle of May, and I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in my anger and bitterness. I looked at what I've seen God do in my life over the past few years. Then I looked at what was going on right now, and even though I knew what I should believe, I doubted. I trusted my plan rather than his, and I shut him out.

Last Sunday I learned that people pay more attention to my behavior than I thought when a friend said she was responding to a hard situation the same way I would: by shutting people out and refusing to listen to the truth. Wow. In three weeks I'd gone from being someone I would have been proud to call a friend to someone I wouldn't want to admit I knew. Not only did I make my own situation worse by running from God, I dragged others into the abyss with me.

So now I'm choosing to listen to the truth and trying to trust that God's plan for my life is better than mine even though I don't like it at the moment. I want so very much to trust and be content where I am, and I even get to teach that particular truth this month. I have a feeling I'll be learning more than my girls. Funny how that always works out...

the thing to do

Apparently the thing to do when you're 28 and married is have kids. This isn't anything new. In fact, it started around 25. People ask me all the time when (not if) we're going to have kids, and in case you were wondering, the answer is not anytime soon.

Most of the time I'm ok with that because I recognize that God has a different plan for me right now, but the past few weeks I've been really frustrated. It feels like everyone I know is either pregnant or obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Some days I think it's the only thing anyone talks about. I've heard all about fertility treatments and morning sickness and how great it feels when your baby moves inside your stomach, and there's nothing at all wrong with talking about those things. It just gets awfully boring and sometimes a little sad since I'm not in that place.

Today it hurts. I wish we had kids, and it totally sucks to have to sit and listen to people go on and on and ON about their journeys. But that's what I have to do. Every single day.

It's one of those days I wish I was any age but this one.