We've made it eighteen weeks. I'm still just as nervous as I was the day we found out, and I'm starting to think that's not really going to improve. I'm also still sick at least 50% of the time, and while that's obviously a huge improvement over 100% of the time, it's by no means fun. I think all the nausea is really hampering my ability to appreciate each moment I'm given...
Despite the undercurrent of anxiety, worry hasn't really been my focus this week. I'm sure that (along with the three straight months of sickness) contributes to the awful mood I'm in, but I'm going to attribute the mood mostly to the fact that I'm back in my normal place of feeling alone. I don't see why we have to constantly fixate on life stage as the basis for relationships, but inevitably, someone wants to go that way. And it sucks to lose people I care about because of something that should be good. Yes, I'm married, and we're going to have a baby. No, that doesn't mean I can no longer be your friend.
It's particularly frustrating to me that it always seems to be my Christian friends who want to take that route. I get the temptation. I hate change as much as anyone, but being on the other side, it hurts when your friends abandon you. It's also really hard to explain to my non-Christian friends why they would want to consider Christ when they see how much pain these "church" relationships end up causing me. They don't get why I keep coming back, and it's a fair question. We've been friends for years, and they would never dream of cutting someone out just for getting married or divorced or having or not having kids. Why would they want to subject themselves to this?
So today I'm sad and just want this week to be over. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sunday, July 4, 2010
it's never just lunch...
A few days ago I met a friend for lunch. I looked forward to it all week and had a great time because she totally rocks, but I left wondering, "Why on earth does she choose to spend time with me???" I mean, I'm shy and somewhat awkward with people and not exactly super fun most of the time, and she has plenty of other better options. Why me?
Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.
The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.
Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...
Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)
Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.
The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.
Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...
Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
the list
Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend. (That's the kind of simple sentence I'd tell my kids not to write, but luckily, I don't have a teacher on my back!) I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't the outcome I got: a challenging discussion about some of my biggest weaknesses and assignments to report back on. Yes, she gave me homework.
So because I'm me, and I do what people ask, I got started. Part one was pretty easy: make a list of the things God has done in my life this year. I definitely had plenty to say! 2009 has been difficult in many ways, but it's also been amazing. I've learned so much about who God is and who that makes me, and I've been blessed in more ways than I could ever deserve. Although I wouldn't have said it along the way, this has been a fabulous year.
Part two was quite a bit harder: share the list... with more than one person. I REALLY didn't want to do that part, but then I got an email link to her reflections on her year and absolutely loved reading what she'd written... then decided that maybe I should stop hiding and share some of what God has done in my life.
Which leads to... my list (most of it anyway)!
1. He gave me new friends in my Thursday night Bible study at a time when I was feeling really alone. My small group rocks, and I'm excited to start our second year together!
2. He gave me the courage to trust them with my story and proved me wrong when they weren't scared away by my past and continued to love and encourage me.
3. He used my story and gifts to influence another woman in that group and encourage her to pursue recovery.
4. He taught me about the true meaning of joy and helped me begin to recognize my lack of trust in Him and how that impacts my life daily.
5. He blessed me with my 5:30 Rocks girls (and grown-up friends!) who've taught me more than I possibly could have taught them. I finally found my place at Watermark.
6. He moved me out of my kindergarten comfort zone into a job where I have the emotional reserves left to face some of my deeper hurts and gave me the peace I needed to make it through the transition.
7. He perfectly orchestrated the series of events (over the past four years) that led to a precious little boy being in my homeroom this year where he knows he's wanted, and I can love and encourage him daily.
8. He gave me grace and wisdom as I wrestled with my beliefs about His goodness and character and surrounded me with people who were willing to push me forward and speak truth into that struggle. It hurt at the time, but now I'm infinitely more secure in what I believe and why I believe it. It's real rather than just being the words I always said.
9. He helped me search deep into my heart and gave me the strength and courage to begin to face the hurts I'd hidden so deeply even I couldn't see them anymore.
10. He brought me through the fall without falling into my typical deep depression. Super exciting!!!
11. He taught me about the power of memorizing scripture to combat my anxiety- being transformed by the renewing of my mind. :-)
12. He used Haley to be the tangible representation of His grace that I'm always asking for... the person I can't push away and whose love I will never be able to "earn."
13. He's showing me that I can trust Him and trust myself and don't have to seek validation from others.
14. He's continuing to move my focus and priorities more toward His own and away from my obsession with body image and performance.
15. He's helping me to daily accept that He designed me perfectly to bring Him joy, loves me unconditionally just the way I am, and can be trusted to always do what's best for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. When I really stop to think about the magnitude of that truth, I always end up crying. He loves ME.
It's been a good year. I almost doubt that 2010 can compete...
So because I'm me, and I do what people ask, I got started. Part one was pretty easy: make a list of the things God has done in my life this year. I definitely had plenty to say! 2009 has been difficult in many ways, but it's also been amazing. I've learned so much about who God is and who that makes me, and I've been blessed in more ways than I could ever deserve. Although I wouldn't have said it along the way, this has been a fabulous year.
Part two was quite a bit harder: share the list... with more than one person. I REALLY didn't want to do that part, but then I got an email link to her reflections on her year and absolutely loved reading what she'd written... then decided that maybe I should stop hiding and share some of what God has done in my life.
Which leads to... my list (most of it anyway)!
1. He gave me new friends in my Thursday night Bible study at a time when I was feeling really alone. My small group rocks, and I'm excited to start our second year together!
2. He gave me the courage to trust them with my story and proved me wrong when they weren't scared away by my past and continued to love and encourage me.
3. He used my story and gifts to influence another woman in that group and encourage her to pursue recovery.
4. He taught me about the true meaning of joy and helped me begin to recognize my lack of trust in Him and how that impacts my life daily.
5. He blessed me with my 5:30 Rocks girls (and grown-up friends!) who've taught me more than I possibly could have taught them. I finally found my place at Watermark.
6. He moved me out of my kindergarten comfort zone into a job where I have the emotional reserves left to face some of my deeper hurts and gave me the peace I needed to make it through the transition.
7. He perfectly orchestrated the series of events (over the past four years) that led to a precious little boy being in my homeroom this year where he knows he's wanted, and I can love and encourage him daily.
8. He gave me grace and wisdom as I wrestled with my beliefs about His goodness and character and surrounded me with people who were willing to push me forward and speak truth into that struggle. It hurt at the time, but now I'm infinitely more secure in what I believe and why I believe it. It's real rather than just being the words I always said.
9. He helped me search deep into my heart and gave me the strength and courage to begin to face the hurts I'd hidden so deeply even I couldn't see them anymore.
10. He brought me through the fall without falling into my typical deep depression. Super exciting!!!
11. He taught me about the power of memorizing scripture to combat my anxiety- being transformed by the renewing of my mind. :-)
12. He used Haley to be the tangible representation of His grace that I'm always asking for... the person I can't push away and whose love I will never be able to "earn."
13. He's showing me that I can trust Him and trust myself and don't have to seek validation from others.
14. He's continuing to move my focus and priorities more toward His own and away from my obsession with body image and performance.
15. He's helping me to daily accept that He designed me perfectly to bring Him joy, loves me unconditionally just the way I am, and can be trusted to always do what's best for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. When I really stop to think about the magnitude of that truth, I always end up crying. He loves ME.
It's been a good year. I almost doubt that 2010 can compete...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
spring break
We're back from Hawaii. We hiked and rested and ate lots of yummy food. As vacations go, it wasn't bad, but I'm glad to be home.
We drove up and down the coast several times over the course of our week, and on more than one occasion I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to live in Hanalei, a small town on the North Shore with no chains or big stores. It's like stepping back in time. I would love living in Hanalei (for awhile at least), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've finally got some pretty good roots here in Dallas... relationships I wouldn't want to walk away from.
For some reason, all week long I thought about the relationships I've failed at here in Dallas. The list seems to go on forever... seems being the key word. When I started actually making a list, it was pretty short: two community groups. That's it. That's the big horrible list I use to beat myself up. That's what convinces me that there's no point in even trying anymore.
The list of relationships that HAVE worked is actually much longer (did you catch that positive thinking???). My Barnabas group, who welcomed me with open arms when I showed up for lunch today unannounced. My CR group and the people I serve with at church. My friends from work. The women in my new Bible study. Those relationships have worked and do work. I must not be a complete and utter failure.
I'm looking forward to the next couple of months... I see the light sneaking back in :-)
We drove up and down the coast several times over the course of our week, and on more than one occasion I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to live in Hanalei, a small town on the North Shore with no chains or big stores. It's like stepping back in time. I would love living in Hanalei (for awhile at least), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've finally got some pretty good roots here in Dallas... relationships I wouldn't want to walk away from.
For some reason, all week long I thought about the relationships I've failed at here in Dallas. The list seems to go on forever... seems being the key word. When I started actually making a list, it was pretty short: two community groups. That's it. That's the big horrible list I use to beat myself up. That's what convinces me that there's no point in even trying anymore.
The list of relationships that HAVE worked is actually much longer (did you catch that positive thinking???). My Barnabas group, who welcomed me with open arms when I showed up for lunch today unannounced. My CR group and the people I serve with at church. My friends from work. The women in my new Bible study. Those relationships have worked and do work. I must not be a complete and utter failure.
I'm looking forward to the next couple of months... I see the light sneaking back in :-)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
hiding in plain sight
This month has been rough... stressful, frustrating, painful... not one I want to redo.
Work has been a challenge. Since day one in 2003, I've doubted whether I should have ever chosen teaching as my profession. The past few weeks have brought that question back to the forefront. I have to admit, year six has been the easiest by far. I've finally found my stride, and I'm confident in what I'm doing. My new school is actually a decent place to work. People are happy there... but I still don't really care for teaching. That, however, is nothing new.
The thing that has been most different has been my social life. I actually have one. I've stayed busy with both old friends and newer ones. I've never been this busy with people. Ever.
In spending so much time with people, I've become painfully aware of how far I've fallen back inside myself. I go out several times a week, but few of these people really know me. I've kept them outside. My walls have gone back up. As I've slipped rather quickly back into my old comfortable habits, no one has noticed... because they don't know to look.
Two years ago I was less obviously social, but the people who I did spend time with knew me deeply. They knew my whole story, beginning to end, down to the most shameful details. They knew what my struggles were and noticed when I was starting to head down a dangerous path. Those relationships were excruciating for me because they required a kind of trust I still lack, but they also produced more growth and change than any before or since. I miss that.
I can list several big triggers in my life right now, but without a doubt, the biggest one is knowing that I will be making my way through the day alone and unknown, wishing that I had someone to talk to who would really understand. That one's hard to fix...
Work has been a challenge. Since day one in 2003, I've doubted whether I should have ever chosen teaching as my profession. The past few weeks have brought that question back to the forefront. I have to admit, year six has been the easiest by far. I've finally found my stride, and I'm confident in what I'm doing. My new school is actually a decent place to work. People are happy there... but I still don't really care for teaching. That, however, is nothing new.
The thing that has been most different has been my social life. I actually have one. I've stayed busy with both old friends and newer ones. I've never been this busy with people. Ever.
In spending so much time with people, I've become painfully aware of how far I've fallen back inside myself. I go out several times a week, but few of these people really know me. I've kept them outside. My walls have gone back up. As I've slipped rather quickly back into my old comfortable habits, no one has noticed... because they don't know to look.
Two years ago I was less obviously social, but the people who I did spend time with knew me deeply. They knew my whole story, beginning to end, down to the most shameful details. They knew what my struggles were and noticed when I was starting to head down a dangerous path. Those relationships were excruciating for me because they required a kind of trust I still lack, but they also produced more growth and change than any before or since. I miss that.
I can list several big triggers in my life right now, but without a doubt, the biggest one is knowing that I will be making my way through the day alone and unknown, wishing that I had someone to talk to who would really understand. That one's hard to fix...
Thursday, November 27, 2008
thankful
I know this is a little odd, but I'm thankful that I woke up this morning to an e-mail that brought me to tears...
I've been in a bit of a debate with a friend over my last post, so I should probably clarify. Are there people at my church who care about me? Yes. Are there people at my church who know me intimately? A couple. Are there people who would notice if I was gone? Maybe a few (because there would suddenly be a group of leaderless little girls on a mission to find their Goldfish). Do I believe there are people who know me and care about me enough that I couldn't be instantly replaced by one of the hundreds of people who will join in the next few months? Not really... other than the friend I've been discussing this with.
I went to bed last night more than a little frustrated with this discussion. The last thing I wanted was to be called out by someone I hadn't spoken to in several months, and I have to admit, I opened her e-mail this morning with a sense of dread at what was to come... then I started reading. I made it about halfway through the first paragraph before I started sobbing.
What did she say? Simply this: The most important thing for you to remember is that you can't get rid of me, A.
I can count on one hand the people in my life who will understand why those words would be so important to me, and today, more so than the actual words, I was struck by the intimacy of her remark.
She didn't write that particular sentence by chance. She knew to write it because she's been there over the past few years walking with me through even my messiest struggles, and though I often wonder why, she hasn't walked away. She knows me deeply and still loves me anyway, and her persistence reminds me that I am worth fighting for... I would not have become the woman I am today without her encouragement and willingness to speak truth into my life even when I don't want to hear it. She told the truth: I can't get rid of her... trust me, I've tried!
So, I could have written a list of the blessings in my life that I'm thankful for (my husband, our home and dog, my job and class, my friends just to name a few), but given the events of the past two days, this seemed more fitting.
Thanks, H, for continuing to point me back to Christ. Your friendship is a tremendous blessing to me and always will be, no matter what shape it takes.
I've been in a bit of a debate with a friend over my last post, so I should probably clarify. Are there people at my church who care about me? Yes. Are there people at my church who know me intimately? A couple. Are there people who would notice if I was gone? Maybe a few (because there would suddenly be a group of leaderless little girls on a mission to find their Goldfish). Do I believe there are people who know me and care about me enough that I couldn't be instantly replaced by one of the hundreds of people who will join in the next few months? Not really... other than the friend I've been discussing this with.
I went to bed last night more than a little frustrated with this discussion. The last thing I wanted was to be called out by someone I hadn't spoken to in several months, and I have to admit, I opened her e-mail this morning with a sense of dread at what was to come... then I started reading. I made it about halfway through the first paragraph before I started sobbing.
What did she say? Simply this: The most important thing for you to remember is that you can't get rid of me, A.
I can count on one hand the people in my life who will understand why those words would be so important to me, and today, more so than the actual words, I was struck by the intimacy of her remark.
She didn't write that particular sentence by chance. She knew to write it because she's been there over the past few years walking with me through even my messiest struggles, and though I often wonder why, she hasn't walked away. She knows me deeply and still loves me anyway, and her persistence reminds me that I am worth fighting for... I would not have become the woman I am today without her encouragement and willingness to speak truth into my life even when I don't want to hear it. She told the truth: I can't get rid of her... trust me, I've tried!
So, I could have written a list of the blessings in my life that I'm thankful for (my husband, our home and dog, my job and class, my friends just to name a few), but given the events of the past two days, this seemed more fitting.
Thanks, H, for continuing to point me back to Christ. Your friendship is a tremendous blessing to me and always will be, no matter what shape it takes.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
a compliment... and my frustration
This week my classroom has been a revolving door for the various behavior experts in the district. As always, I have some... challenging behaviors. For some reason I just seem to attract those kids. I can't really complain though... I love those darlings quite deeply.
Yesterday my babies got one of the best compliments I've ever received. A behavior specialist came in to observe and at the end of her visit she commented that my class was very supportive and well bonded for the beginning of the year... that they took care of and watched out for each other in a special way.
To me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. I've always had a gift for building those relationships with children. My class is bonded. They do love each other well, even the ones who are at times hard to love. It's an attitude that was introduced the first day we met, and by the time June comes around we'll all be crying on our way out the door. They are becoming a family.
Though I'm glad that I can build those relationships with my students, I find it incredibly frustrating that I just cannot form those same tight relationships with my peers. I know how to make it work better than anyone else I know in a classroom. Why can't I do it with my own life?
I know some of the answers. My fear holds me back, and taking risks with adults is much more intimidating than risking with children. I recognize that I play games with people... set them up to fail me because I'm so sure that they will. And my naturally introverted personality doesn't make relationship any easier either.
I've been burned so many times that I imagine trusting other adults is one of those things that will always be difficult for me, but I wish that it wasn't. I long for safe, consistent relationships... not the isolation that comes with my fear.
I assume that as with most fear, the longer I challenge it, the smaller it will become. For now I will just have to wait and hope...
Yesterday my babies got one of the best compliments I've ever received. A behavior specialist came in to observe and at the end of her visit she commented that my class was very supportive and well bonded for the beginning of the year... that they took care of and watched out for each other in a special way.
To me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. I've always had a gift for building those relationships with children. My class is bonded. They do love each other well, even the ones who are at times hard to love. It's an attitude that was introduced the first day we met, and by the time June comes around we'll all be crying on our way out the door. They are becoming a family.
Though I'm glad that I can build those relationships with my students, I find it incredibly frustrating that I just cannot form those same tight relationships with my peers. I know how to make it work better than anyone else I know in a classroom. Why can't I do it with my own life?
I know some of the answers. My fear holds me back, and taking risks with adults is much more intimidating than risking with children. I recognize that I play games with people... set them up to fail me because I'm so sure that they will. And my naturally introverted personality doesn't make relationship any easier either.
I've been burned so many times that I imagine trusting other adults is one of those things that will always be difficult for me, but I wish that it wasn't. I long for safe, consistent relationships... not the isolation that comes with my fear.
I assume that as with most fear, the longer I challenge it, the smaller it will become. For now I will just have to wait and hope...
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