The past week has been a series of extreme ups and downs... I REALLY hate change!
After going back and forth about 50 times, I think that I've finally adapted to the idea of teaching 4th grade. It's helped that my kids have suddenly become crazy needy and fussy (a little odd at this point in the year). Two of them cried today over an art project. Seriously. All of a sudden little ones are SO much less appealing! I've also gotten more support than I ever could have dreamed. One of the benefits of the small town feeling of my district is that I can e-mail the writing specialist (who I actually know) and have her show up with supplies in hand solely to calm me down. After our meeting this afternoon, I feel confident that things will be ok... I won't be doing this alone.
So I'm getting excited, but parts of this still suck. I was looking forward to not having to pack up my whole room for the first time in my entire career, but instead I'm moving again. After four years, I'd finally gotten my room exactly the way I wanted it, and now the vast majority, if not all, of my stuff will be completely inappropriate. I get depressed when I start thinking about it all... particularly the thought of having to retire my Lakeshore kids (yes, I realize that's pathetic), so I'm choosing to attempt denial. It's been bad enough sorting through the stuff that never rated unpacking after the last move, so I'm putting off the good stuff until the last possible minute. I figure I've still got about three weeks before I absolutely have to face packing and storing or giving away all my favorite things...
Anyhow, it's late, and I have no idea how to end this, perhaps because I'm exhausted from the stress of this week. At least it's one more week down, and now I have the weekend to rest. Only 29 days to go...
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
an unexpected change
I feel like I should be in Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse because all I can say is "Wow."
Yesterday afternoon I got a somewhat frantic call from my principal wanting to know if I could come meet with her. Now. Right now. Please? And it's nothing bad. Don't worry. RIGHT. Because when your boss calls you 15 minutes before it's time to leave and suddenly needs to meet with you RIGHT NOW that's usually great.
So, I finished tutoring somewhat absentmindedly while I tried to figure out what she could possibly want to talk to me about. When the bell rang, I walked my kids to their cars and headed apprehensively into the office. Then my organized, well-planned, inflexible world fell completely apart.
She asked me to move to 4th grade as the one and only writing teacher. On so many levels this will be a great move. I love writing. It's by far my greatest academic strength (when it comes to teaching anyway), and while I love my babies, their writing can only go so far. I was getting a little bored in kindergarten because my part had become so familiar, and now I'll have a whole new realm of skills to learn and teach. With bigger kids, I'll be able to DO all the things I've learned in theory. I'll really be able to write. It sounds like my dream job, and in many ways it is... except it's not kindergarten.
The downside to principals beginning to plan for the next school year in February is that everyone starts planning for the next school year in February. I had next year completely laid out in my mind, and it didn't involve 4th grade. I've been thinking and talking about it for 3 months. I was finally feeling comfortable in my new school and loving working with my teammates. Next year was going to be amazing. There was no place in my plan for this sort of change.
And on a deeper level, I had never seriously considered leaving kindergarten. I'd thought about teaching 4th grade in the way I might think about picking up and moving to Australia... it was an interesting idea but not something that I would ever actually do. I love being their first teacher. I like that they fight over who gets to hold my hand. I get to see their writing progress from nothing to pages, and I watch them begin to read. This afternoon one of my little girls snuggled up in my lap with a book and started reading to me, and my heart ached. I'm not quite ready to let that go.
But I have to. I have six more weeks of kindergarten, and then I have to grow up... and even though I can list off a million reasons 4th grade should be a perfect place for me, I do NOT like this plan. It happened so fast I'm still in shock. Every single person I've told has said that 4th grade writing is THE perfect job for me, but I'm not so sure. It's a HUGE change, and even though everyone else seems so confident I can do it, I'm not. I'm terrified.
Wow. I'm going to teach 4th grade. I wonder how many times I'll have to say that for it to finally sink in...
Yesterday afternoon I got a somewhat frantic call from my principal wanting to know if I could come meet with her. Now. Right now. Please? And it's nothing bad. Don't worry. RIGHT. Because when your boss calls you 15 minutes before it's time to leave and suddenly needs to meet with you RIGHT NOW that's usually great.
So, I finished tutoring somewhat absentmindedly while I tried to figure out what she could possibly want to talk to me about. When the bell rang, I walked my kids to their cars and headed apprehensively into the office. Then my organized, well-planned, inflexible world fell completely apart.
She asked me to move to 4th grade as the one and only writing teacher. On so many levels this will be a great move. I love writing. It's by far my greatest academic strength (when it comes to teaching anyway), and while I love my babies, their writing can only go so far. I was getting a little bored in kindergarten because my part had become so familiar, and now I'll have a whole new realm of skills to learn and teach. With bigger kids, I'll be able to DO all the things I've learned in theory. I'll really be able to write. It sounds like my dream job, and in many ways it is... except it's not kindergarten.
The downside to principals beginning to plan for the next school year in February is that everyone starts planning for the next school year in February. I had next year completely laid out in my mind, and it didn't involve 4th grade. I've been thinking and talking about it for 3 months. I was finally feeling comfortable in my new school and loving working with my teammates. Next year was going to be amazing. There was no place in my plan for this sort of change.
And on a deeper level, I had never seriously considered leaving kindergarten. I'd thought about teaching 4th grade in the way I might think about picking up and moving to Australia... it was an interesting idea but not something that I would ever actually do. I love being their first teacher. I like that they fight over who gets to hold my hand. I get to see their writing progress from nothing to pages, and I watch them begin to read. This afternoon one of my little girls snuggled up in my lap with a book and started reading to me, and my heart ached. I'm not quite ready to let that go.
But I have to. I have six more weeks of kindergarten, and then I have to grow up... and even though I can list off a million reasons 4th grade should be a perfect place for me, I do NOT like this plan. It happened so fast I'm still in shock. Every single person I've told has said that 4th grade writing is THE perfect job for me, but I'm not so sure. It's a HUGE change, and even though everyone else seems so confident I can do it, I'm not. I'm terrified.
Wow. I'm going to teach 4th grade. I wonder how many times I'll have to say that for it to finally sink in...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
spring break
We're back from Hawaii. We hiked and rested and ate lots of yummy food. As vacations go, it wasn't bad, but I'm glad to be home.
We drove up and down the coast several times over the course of our week, and on more than one occasion I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to live in Hanalei, a small town on the North Shore with no chains or big stores. It's like stepping back in time. I would love living in Hanalei (for awhile at least), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've finally got some pretty good roots here in Dallas... relationships I wouldn't want to walk away from.
For some reason, all week long I thought about the relationships I've failed at here in Dallas. The list seems to go on forever... seems being the key word. When I started actually making a list, it was pretty short: two community groups. That's it. That's the big horrible list I use to beat myself up. That's what convinces me that there's no point in even trying anymore.
The list of relationships that HAVE worked is actually much longer (did you catch that positive thinking???). My Barnabas group, who welcomed me with open arms when I showed up for lunch today unannounced. My CR group and the people I serve with at church. My friends from work. The women in my new Bible study. Those relationships have worked and do work. I must not be a complete and utter failure.
I'm looking forward to the next couple of months... I see the light sneaking back in :-)
We drove up and down the coast several times over the course of our week, and on more than one occasion I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like to live in Hanalei, a small town on the North Shore with no chains or big stores. It's like stepping back in time. I would love living in Hanalei (for awhile at least), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've finally got some pretty good roots here in Dallas... relationships I wouldn't want to walk away from.
For some reason, all week long I thought about the relationships I've failed at here in Dallas. The list seems to go on forever... seems being the key word. When I started actually making a list, it was pretty short: two community groups. That's it. That's the big horrible list I use to beat myself up. That's what convinces me that there's no point in even trying anymore.
The list of relationships that HAVE worked is actually much longer (did you catch that positive thinking???). My Barnabas group, who welcomed me with open arms when I showed up for lunch today unannounced. My CR group and the people I serve with at church. My friends from work. The women in my new Bible study. Those relationships have worked and do work. I must not be a complete and utter failure.
I'm looking forward to the next couple of months... I see the light sneaking back in :-)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
hiding in plain sight
This month has been rough... stressful, frustrating, painful... not one I want to redo.
Work has been a challenge. Since day one in 2003, I've doubted whether I should have ever chosen teaching as my profession. The past few weeks have brought that question back to the forefront. I have to admit, year six has been the easiest by far. I've finally found my stride, and I'm confident in what I'm doing. My new school is actually a decent place to work. People are happy there... but I still don't really care for teaching. That, however, is nothing new.
The thing that has been most different has been my social life. I actually have one. I've stayed busy with both old friends and newer ones. I've never been this busy with people. Ever.
In spending so much time with people, I've become painfully aware of how far I've fallen back inside myself. I go out several times a week, but few of these people really know me. I've kept them outside. My walls have gone back up. As I've slipped rather quickly back into my old comfortable habits, no one has noticed... because they don't know to look.
Two years ago I was less obviously social, but the people who I did spend time with knew me deeply. They knew my whole story, beginning to end, down to the most shameful details. They knew what my struggles were and noticed when I was starting to head down a dangerous path. Those relationships were excruciating for me because they required a kind of trust I still lack, but they also produced more growth and change than any before or since. I miss that.
I can list several big triggers in my life right now, but without a doubt, the biggest one is knowing that I will be making my way through the day alone and unknown, wishing that I had someone to talk to who would really understand. That one's hard to fix...
Work has been a challenge. Since day one in 2003, I've doubted whether I should have ever chosen teaching as my profession. The past few weeks have brought that question back to the forefront. I have to admit, year six has been the easiest by far. I've finally found my stride, and I'm confident in what I'm doing. My new school is actually a decent place to work. People are happy there... but I still don't really care for teaching. That, however, is nothing new.
The thing that has been most different has been my social life. I actually have one. I've stayed busy with both old friends and newer ones. I've never been this busy with people. Ever.
In spending so much time with people, I've become painfully aware of how far I've fallen back inside myself. I go out several times a week, but few of these people really know me. I've kept them outside. My walls have gone back up. As I've slipped rather quickly back into my old comfortable habits, no one has noticed... because they don't know to look.
Two years ago I was less obviously social, but the people who I did spend time with knew me deeply. They knew my whole story, beginning to end, down to the most shameful details. They knew what my struggles were and noticed when I was starting to head down a dangerous path. Those relationships were excruciating for me because they required a kind of trust I still lack, but they also produced more growth and change than any before or since. I miss that.
I can list several big triggers in my life right now, but without a doubt, the biggest one is knowing that I will be making my way through the day alone and unknown, wishing that I had someone to talk to who would really understand. That one's hard to fix...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
week two
The past week has been hugely frustrating.
By the time I picked my class up Monday morning I was pretty sure that it wouldn't go well. Unfortunately, I was right. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from the stress of the previous week, so every little thing felt like the end of the world. Not to mention the fact that my job is pretty emotionally demanding. Five year olds are needy, and they can't turn that off when I have nothing left to give. I was barely getting by taking care of myself. I was not up to taking care of 16 other people. At any rate, I survived... barely. My desk has morphed into one big pile of relevant verses, and just reminding myself to believe them has been a full time job.
As I prepare for tomorrow, I'm feeling a rising sense of dread. The weekend has been wonderful, but tomorrow I'll be back in the real world, dealing with all the stress that goes along with it. I know all the right answers... trust God, cry out to Him, immerse myself in His truth... and all of those things DO lessen the stress. I've been in survival mode for two weeks though. I can't sustain this much longer.
Despite the frustration and mood swings and fear of what they may mean for my future, I am clinging desperately to the joy I have. I heard a really great definition for joy a few weeks back: the overflow of peace that comes from trusting God no matter what. I've been repeating it to myself hundreds of times a day over the past two weeks. Trust leads to peace which leads to joy. The trust is what gives me the peace and joy I need to get through the day... so trust is what I'm working on.
By the time I picked my class up Monday morning I was pretty sure that it wouldn't go well. Unfortunately, I was right. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from the stress of the previous week, so every little thing felt like the end of the world. Not to mention the fact that my job is pretty emotionally demanding. Five year olds are needy, and they can't turn that off when I have nothing left to give. I was barely getting by taking care of myself. I was not up to taking care of 16 other people. At any rate, I survived... barely. My desk has morphed into one big pile of relevant verses, and just reminding myself to believe them has been a full time job.
As I prepare for tomorrow, I'm feeling a rising sense of dread. The weekend has been wonderful, but tomorrow I'll be back in the real world, dealing with all the stress that goes along with it. I know all the right answers... trust God, cry out to Him, immerse myself in His truth... and all of those things DO lessen the stress. I've been in survival mode for two weeks though. I can't sustain this much longer.
Despite the frustration and mood swings and fear of what they may mean for my future, I am clinging desperately to the joy I have. I heard a really great definition for joy a few weeks back: the overflow of peace that comes from trusting God no matter what. I've been repeating it to myself hundreds of times a day over the past two weeks. Trust leads to peace which leads to joy. The trust is what gives me the peace and joy I need to get through the day... so trust is what I'm working on.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
the longest week
I started this week with exciting news: as of last Monday, I'm no longer on an antidepressant. I'm still taking my other meds for now, but hey... it's a step. The rest of the week has been varying degrees of nightmarish as I've experienced basically every withdrawal symptom ever documented.
This morning I awoke to what I hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. I can stand up without losing my balance. I don't want to scream at everyone around me. I think I might make it through school tomorrow without wanting to cry. I feel like myself again, and that's a huge relief. The true test will be to see how I feel in a month, two months, six months...
Part of me doubts that my mood will remain stable without this drug (it's the first thing that had any lasting impact on my mood swings), and the rest wonders if that's selling myself and God short. I'm not the same person who started this particular medication almost 18 months ago. Even this week, as I felt so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe, I turned to Him... to His promises to give me strength and never leave me or give me more than I can handle... and I made it through.
I'm both anxious and encouraged for the days to come... to see what healing and life they will hold!
This morning I awoke to what I hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. I can stand up without losing my balance. I don't want to scream at everyone around me. I think I might make it through school tomorrow without wanting to cry. I feel like myself again, and that's a huge relief. The true test will be to see how I feel in a month, two months, six months...
Part of me doubts that my mood will remain stable without this drug (it's the first thing that had any lasting impact on my mood swings), and the rest wonders if that's selling myself and God short. I'm not the same person who started this particular medication almost 18 months ago. Even this week, as I felt so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe, I turned to Him... to His promises to give me strength and never leave me or give me more than I can handle... and I made it through.
I'm both anxious and encouraged for the days to come... to see what healing and life they will hold!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a new, boring year
The past few weeks have been long and relatively uneventful. The two most interesting events? I've started running, and I have a college intern in my classroom for the semester.
So, event one... running. Last year I took up cycling which I enjoyed, and ever since, I've been tossing around the idea of a sprint tri. Most people seem to be scared off by the swimming piece, but for me it's been running. I hate it. Perhaps it's the memories of miserable predawn runs in middle school or the fear of agitating my old knee injury (more likely it's that I'm lazy...). Regardless, I've never been a fan. Why did I finally give in? We planned a trip to Hawaii. Nothing like the threat of a week spent in a swimsuit to motivate me to exercise!
I've made it an entire month now without quitting, and this week I noticed I actually look forward to running after work some days. It helps that I can see the effects... my legs are looking and feeling stronger, and when we rode last weekend, the ride was a breeze. Maybe I've made it over the hump.
Now, event two... intern. Last fall, after watching a pretty awful teacher mentor someone, I offered to take a student teacher. On Tuesday, she came for the first day of her first semester. Assuming all goes well, she'll split time with me and a 4th grade teacher at my school through her graduation next fall. Crazy!
After day one, she seems great. I think I'll enjoy having someone around to help out, and it's nice that she thinks I know what I'm doing! I have to admit though, I felt SO old. I'm not, really. I'm only 5 years older than she is, but I remember how old I thought 27 was when I was 22. And it is a big difference life experience wise. I've been teaching for SIX years (a point I never intended to reach), married for over three. She's still in college.
Anyhow, the spring promises to be interesting. I'm preparing for a 5k in March, just before our trip, and I just have a feeling this whole intern thing will provide lots of entertainment.
Maybe my entries will pep up soon...
So, event one... running. Last year I took up cycling which I enjoyed, and ever since, I've been tossing around the idea of a sprint tri. Most people seem to be scared off by the swimming piece, but for me it's been running. I hate it. Perhaps it's the memories of miserable predawn runs in middle school or the fear of agitating my old knee injury (more likely it's that I'm lazy...). Regardless, I've never been a fan. Why did I finally give in? We planned a trip to Hawaii. Nothing like the threat of a week spent in a swimsuit to motivate me to exercise!
I've made it an entire month now without quitting, and this week I noticed I actually look forward to running after work some days. It helps that I can see the effects... my legs are looking and feeling stronger, and when we rode last weekend, the ride was a breeze. Maybe I've made it over the hump.
Now, event two... intern. Last fall, after watching a pretty awful teacher mentor someone, I offered to take a student teacher. On Tuesday, she came for the first day of her first semester. Assuming all goes well, she'll split time with me and a 4th grade teacher at my school through her graduation next fall. Crazy!
After day one, she seems great. I think I'll enjoy having someone around to help out, and it's nice that she thinks I know what I'm doing! I have to admit though, I felt SO old. I'm not, really. I'm only 5 years older than she is, but I remember how old I thought 27 was when I was 22. And it is a big difference life experience wise. I've been teaching for SIX years (a point I never intended to reach), married for over three. She's still in college.
Anyhow, the spring promises to be interesting. I'm preparing for a 5k in March, just before our trip, and I just have a feeling this whole intern thing will provide lots of entertainment.
Maybe my entries will pep up soon...
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