Apparently the thing to do when you're 28 and married is have kids. This isn't anything new. In fact, it started around 25. People ask me all the time when (not if) we're going to have kids, and in case you were wondering, the answer is not anytime soon.
Most of the time I'm ok with that because I recognize that God has a different plan for me right now, but the past few weeks I've been really frustrated. It feels like everyone I know is either pregnant or obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Some days I think it's the only thing anyone talks about. I've heard all about fertility treatments and morning sickness and how great it feels when your baby moves inside your stomach, and there's nothing at all wrong with talking about those things. It just gets awfully boring and sometimes a little sad since I'm not in that place.
Today it hurts. I wish we had kids, and it totally sucks to have to sit and listen to people go on and on and ON about their journeys. But that's what I have to do. Every single day.
It's one of those days I wish I was any age but this one.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
spring
Spring is here!
When I think about the past few months looking for something to say, all I see is that the end of winter wasn't the most exciting. That seems to be how I feel a lot of the time now, and I can't decide what I think about it. I'm pretty sure it's a good quality... although it makes for a really boring blog.
I guess if I'm totally honest I could come up with a lot of things to write about. The TAKS test is over. We're in a new community group. A few days ago my students informed me that I should really look into a career in modeling (right...). Somehow the idea of writing about any of that just bores me to death. Of all the things that happened this winter, two stick out as favorites worthy of recording: my new women's Bible study group and my new area of service, tutoring at-risk 4th graders at a low-income school.
Back in January, one of my favorite people invited me to join a Bible study she was doing. My first instinct was to say no. I don't like new people and sort of doubted her motives in asking, and I was already committed to some other things. But for some reason I decided to give it a shot. I'm so glad I did! I'd forgotten how nice it feels to be completely known and loved not in spite of my flaws but because of them. I can be having an awful day, but when I see their smiling faces my whole body relaxes as if it's telling me that now everything will be ok. Our meetings have become the highlight of my week.
Now on to my other favorite thing! It's no secret that I often feel frustrated in my job. I know that all children need good teachers, but I also know that the vast majority of the children I teach would be just fine if I sat them down with a book and told them to figure it out. They've got the background knowledge and family support to make it work. I'm sort of unnecessary, but now for three hours on Saturday morning, I'm needed.
The kids I work with on Saturdays are the polar opposite of the ones I work with during the week: the neediest of the needy at a very needy school. They're desperate for love and attention, and need all the help they can get. I absolutely adore them. It's also super fun to see how God has uniquely equipped me to serve exactly where I am. I spent years in Title 1 learning how to relate to these kids, and now I've gotten to spend a year learning the best possible ways to raise the achievement of 4th graders. It feels great to be able to use my skills for something worthwhile.
Tomorrow is Easter, and even more so than other years, I'm so grateful for the grace and healing I've received. The past couple of weeks haven't been the greatest. I got to read my kids' TAKS papers, and I wasn't thrilled with what I saw (they did just fine... I'm just a perfectionist who has unreasonable expectations). I also found out I may have to change grades again next year, and to say I'm not thrilled at the prospect would be a huge understatement. But, in the midst of all the drama, I'm at peace because I know that the God who loved me enough to give up his son knows exactly what will happen and is completely in control.
Happy Easter!
When I think about the past few months looking for something to say, all I see is that the end of winter wasn't the most exciting. That seems to be how I feel a lot of the time now, and I can't decide what I think about it. I'm pretty sure it's a good quality... although it makes for a really boring blog.
I guess if I'm totally honest I could come up with a lot of things to write about. The TAKS test is over. We're in a new community group. A few days ago my students informed me that I should really look into a career in modeling (right...). Somehow the idea of writing about any of that just bores me to death. Of all the things that happened this winter, two stick out as favorites worthy of recording: my new women's Bible study group and my new area of service, tutoring at-risk 4th graders at a low-income school.
Back in January, one of my favorite people invited me to join a Bible study she was doing. My first instinct was to say no. I don't like new people and sort of doubted her motives in asking, and I was already committed to some other things. But for some reason I decided to give it a shot. I'm so glad I did! I'd forgotten how nice it feels to be completely known and loved not in spite of my flaws but because of them. I can be having an awful day, but when I see their smiling faces my whole body relaxes as if it's telling me that now everything will be ok. Our meetings have become the highlight of my week.
Now on to my other favorite thing! It's no secret that I often feel frustrated in my job. I know that all children need good teachers, but I also know that the vast majority of the children I teach would be just fine if I sat them down with a book and told them to figure it out. They've got the background knowledge and family support to make it work. I'm sort of unnecessary, but now for three hours on Saturday morning, I'm needed.
The kids I work with on Saturdays are the polar opposite of the ones I work with during the week: the neediest of the needy at a very needy school. They're desperate for love and attention, and need all the help they can get. I absolutely adore them. It's also super fun to see how God has uniquely equipped me to serve exactly where I am. I spent years in Title 1 learning how to relate to these kids, and now I've gotten to spend a year learning the best possible ways to raise the achievement of 4th graders. It feels great to be able to use my skills for something worthwhile.
Tomorrow is Easter, and even more so than other years, I'm so grateful for the grace and healing I've received. The past couple of weeks haven't been the greatest. I got to read my kids' TAKS papers, and I wasn't thrilled with what I saw (they did just fine... I'm just a perfectionist who has unreasonable expectations). I also found out I may have to change grades again next year, and to say I'm not thrilled at the prospect would be a huge understatement. But, in the midst of all the drama, I'm at peace because I know that the God who loved me enough to give up his son knows exactly what will happen and is completely in control.
Happy Easter!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
a broken toe
2010 isn't off to the greatest of starts. We're not quite three weeks into January, and so far my grandmother has died, I've lost my voice, and I've broken a toe. Not a stellar beginning to say the least.
Last week was pretty awful. I sang at my grandmother's funeral (which is plenty sad all on its own) with a horrible sore throat, and I've been varying degrees of hoarse ever since. Then Tuesday when I could hardly speak at all, I broke my toe at school... during first period, nonetheless. I spent the rest of the week hobbling around AND unable to speak. Lovely.
That's the kind of week that used to send me into a steep downward spiral, but this time it hasn't because despite the difficult things going on in my life, I'm in a much better place now than I was this time last year. It's not that I'm not frustrated because I am. I'm not looking forward to weeks without being able to exercise, and I'm dying to sing again... but neither is the end of the world. The events of my life don't change the hope I have, and although I've heard that for years, this time I can see the application.
I was reminded of that huge change in perspective today at Watermark's 10th Anniversary Celebration. It was essentially a carnival with fair food and pony rides and tons of bounce houses. Super fun! But, the best part was the few minutes in the middle when we stopped to pray and thank God for all he's done. As I sat there looking around the huge crowd, I thought about all the ways I've been impacted by the people and ministries of Watermark over the past 4 1/2 years we've been there. Seeing as how I'm basically unrecognizable as the girl who walked into Lake Highlands four years ago, the list is quite long, and it still grows longer every day. I'm very blessed.
So even though I'm having a rough month, I have much to be thankful for... and a stupid broken toe doesn't have to steal my joy!
Last week was pretty awful. I sang at my grandmother's funeral (which is plenty sad all on its own) with a horrible sore throat, and I've been varying degrees of hoarse ever since. Then Tuesday when I could hardly speak at all, I broke my toe at school... during first period, nonetheless. I spent the rest of the week hobbling around AND unable to speak. Lovely.
That's the kind of week that used to send me into a steep downward spiral, but this time it hasn't because despite the difficult things going on in my life, I'm in a much better place now than I was this time last year. It's not that I'm not frustrated because I am. I'm not looking forward to weeks without being able to exercise, and I'm dying to sing again... but neither is the end of the world. The events of my life don't change the hope I have, and although I've heard that for years, this time I can see the application.
I was reminded of that huge change in perspective today at Watermark's 10th Anniversary Celebration. It was essentially a carnival with fair food and pony rides and tons of bounce houses. Super fun! But, the best part was the few minutes in the middle when we stopped to pray and thank God for all he's done. As I sat there looking around the huge crowd, I thought about all the ways I've been impacted by the people and ministries of Watermark over the past 4 1/2 years we've been there. Seeing as how I'm basically unrecognizable as the girl who walked into Lake Highlands four years ago, the list is quite long, and it still grows longer every day. I'm very blessed.
So even though I'm having a rough month, I have much to be thankful for... and a stupid broken toe doesn't have to steal my joy!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
one year later
Christmas Eve at Watermark is one of my favorite things. It's the primary reason I fight to have Christmas at my house every year, and I look forward to it for weeks. The service isn't all that different from plenty of others throughout the year, so I'm not sure what makes it so exciting for me. Maybe it's the hot chocolate or going in the middle of the night... whatever it is, I love it.
Last year was different. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I was really questioning my decision to stay at Watermark. After three years, I still felt invisible in the thousands of people, and I truly believed that if I never came back no one would really care. Even though I loved many things about Watermark I felt very alone, and I wasn't sure if the good was enough to balance the loneliness. But, on Christmas Eve I put the dread aside and dragged myself to the service, and that's when everything changed.
I expected a typical service, but rather than only singing happy Christmas carols and lighting candles, we celebrated stories of life change. Not all pretty stories of life change either. Hard, painful, uncomfortable pasts turned into futures filled with life and hope. Real, honest people changed by the birth and death of Christ... the reason Christmas happened. As I read the simple, silent testimonies written on plain brown cardboard I connected and remembered why I belonged, and I haven't questioned it since.
Tomorrow they're doing the same thing. I know because this year I'M one of the cardboard people. A friend on staff asked me last week if I'd be willing to share my story of grace, and although it's way outside of my comfort zone, I said yes. After all, it's silent, so all I had to do was come up with two phrases for my sign (harder than it sounds...) and turn it around on cue. Scary, but totally doable!
The more challenging part has been coming around to the idea that I'm one of "those" people... that I have a story that anyone cares to hear. Luckily I wasn't terribly attached to that belief because it's been shot down repeatedly this week. More than once someone has cried when I told her what my sign will say. I do see that God has done wonderful things in my life in the past few years, and this year especially I've changed a lot. But I didn't see ME as the type of person who God uses to bring others that kind of joy. Well, I didn't see myself as the type of person God used to bring any kind of joy but certainly not joy so powerful it produces tears.
Anyway, even though it's pretty unlike me, I'm super excited about tomorrow. I get to tell people what God has done in MY life. Thousands of people (that part's a little scary!). And someone will read my words and connect just like I did last year... because God can bring good from my bad. Great reason to ignore the fear!
Last year was different. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I was really questioning my decision to stay at Watermark. After three years, I still felt invisible in the thousands of people, and I truly believed that if I never came back no one would really care. Even though I loved many things about Watermark I felt very alone, and I wasn't sure if the good was enough to balance the loneliness. But, on Christmas Eve I put the dread aside and dragged myself to the service, and that's when everything changed.
I expected a typical service, but rather than only singing happy Christmas carols and lighting candles, we celebrated stories of life change. Not all pretty stories of life change either. Hard, painful, uncomfortable pasts turned into futures filled with life and hope. Real, honest people changed by the birth and death of Christ... the reason Christmas happened. As I read the simple, silent testimonies written on plain brown cardboard I connected and remembered why I belonged, and I haven't questioned it since.
Tomorrow they're doing the same thing. I know because this year I'M one of the cardboard people. A friend on staff asked me last week if I'd be willing to share my story of grace, and although it's way outside of my comfort zone, I said yes. After all, it's silent, so all I had to do was come up with two phrases for my sign (harder than it sounds...) and turn it around on cue. Scary, but totally doable!
The more challenging part has been coming around to the idea that I'm one of "those" people... that I have a story that anyone cares to hear. Luckily I wasn't terribly attached to that belief because it's been shot down repeatedly this week. More than once someone has cried when I told her what my sign will say. I do see that God has done wonderful things in my life in the past few years, and this year especially I've changed a lot. But I didn't see ME as the type of person who God uses to bring others that kind of joy. Well, I didn't see myself as the type of person God used to bring any kind of joy but certainly not joy so powerful it produces tears.
Anyway, even though it's pretty unlike me, I'm super excited about tomorrow. I get to tell people what God has done in MY life. Thousands of people (that part's a little scary!). And someone will read my words and connect just like I did last year... because God can bring good from my bad. Great reason to ignore the fear!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
the list
Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend. (That's the kind of simple sentence I'd tell my kids not to write, but luckily, I don't have a teacher on my back!) I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't the outcome I got: a challenging discussion about some of my biggest weaknesses and assignments to report back on. Yes, she gave me homework.
So because I'm me, and I do what people ask, I got started. Part one was pretty easy: make a list of the things God has done in my life this year. I definitely had plenty to say! 2009 has been difficult in many ways, but it's also been amazing. I've learned so much about who God is and who that makes me, and I've been blessed in more ways than I could ever deserve. Although I wouldn't have said it along the way, this has been a fabulous year.
Part two was quite a bit harder: share the list... with more than one person. I REALLY didn't want to do that part, but then I got an email link to her reflections on her year and absolutely loved reading what she'd written... then decided that maybe I should stop hiding and share some of what God has done in my life.
Which leads to... my list (most of it anyway)!
1. He gave me new friends in my Thursday night Bible study at a time when I was feeling really alone. My small group rocks, and I'm excited to start our second year together!
2. He gave me the courage to trust them with my story and proved me wrong when they weren't scared away by my past and continued to love and encourage me.
3. He used my story and gifts to influence another woman in that group and encourage her to pursue recovery.
4. He taught me about the true meaning of joy and helped me begin to recognize my lack of trust in Him and how that impacts my life daily.
5. He blessed me with my 5:30 Rocks girls (and grown-up friends!) who've taught me more than I possibly could have taught them. I finally found my place at Watermark.
6. He moved me out of my kindergarten comfort zone into a job where I have the emotional reserves left to face some of my deeper hurts and gave me the peace I needed to make it through the transition.
7. He perfectly orchestrated the series of events (over the past four years) that led to a precious little boy being in my homeroom this year where he knows he's wanted, and I can love and encourage him daily.
8. He gave me grace and wisdom as I wrestled with my beliefs about His goodness and character and surrounded me with people who were willing to push me forward and speak truth into that struggle. It hurt at the time, but now I'm infinitely more secure in what I believe and why I believe it. It's real rather than just being the words I always said.
9. He helped me search deep into my heart and gave me the strength and courage to begin to face the hurts I'd hidden so deeply even I couldn't see them anymore.
10. He brought me through the fall without falling into my typical deep depression. Super exciting!!!
11. He taught me about the power of memorizing scripture to combat my anxiety- being transformed by the renewing of my mind. :-)
12. He used Haley to be the tangible representation of His grace that I'm always asking for... the person I can't push away and whose love I will never be able to "earn."
13. He's showing me that I can trust Him and trust myself and don't have to seek validation from others.
14. He's continuing to move my focus and priorities more toward His own and away from my obsession with body image and performance.
15. He's helping me to daily accept that He designed me perfectly to bring Him joy, loves me unconditionally just the way I am, and can be trusted to always do what's best for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. When I really stop to think about the magnitude of that truth, I always end up crying. He loves ME.
It's been a good year. I almost doubt that 2010 can compete...
So because I'm me, and I do what people ask, I got started. Part one was pretty easy: make a list of the things God has done in my life this year. I definitely had plenty to say! 2009 has been difficult in many ways, but it's also been amazing. I've learned so much about who God is and who that makes me, and I've been blessed in more ways than I could ever deserve. Although I wouldn't have said it along the way, this has been a fabulous year.
Part two was quite a bit harder: share the list... with more than one person. I REALLY didn't want to do that part, but then I got an email link to her reflections on her year and absolutely loved reading what she'd written... then decided that maybe I should stop hiding and share some of what God has done in my life.
Which leads to... my list (most of it anyway)!
1. He gave me new friends in my Thursday night Bible study at a time when I was feeling really alone. My small group rocks, and I'm excited to start our second year together!
2. He gave me the courage to trust them with my story and proved me wrong when they weren't scared away by my past and continued to love and encourage me.
3. He used my story and gifts to influence another woman in that group and encourage her to pursue recovery.
4. He taught me about the true meaning of joy and helped me begin to recognize my lack of trust in Him and how that impacts my life daily.
5. He blessed me with my 5:30 Rocks girls (and grown-up friends!) who've taught me more than I possibly could have taught them. I finally found my place at Watermark.
6. He moved me out of my kindergarten comfort zone into a job where I have the emotional reserves left to face some of my deeper hurts and gave me the peace I needed to make it through the transition.
7. He perfectly orchestrated the series of events (over the past four years) that led to a precious little boy being in my homeroom this year where he knows he's wanted, and I can love and encourage him daily.
8. He gave me grace and wisdom as I wrestled with my beliefs about His goodness and character and surrounded me with people who were willing to push me forward and speak truth into that struggle. It hurt at the time, but now I'm infinitely more secure in what I believe and why I believe it. It's real rather than just being the words I always said.
9. He helped me search deep into my heart and gave me the strength and courage to begin to face the hurts I'd hidden so deeply even I couldn't see them anymore.
10. He brought me through the fall without falling into my typical deep depression. Super exciting!!!
11. He taught me about the power of memorizing scripture to combat my anxiety- being transformed by the renewing of my mind. :-)
12. He used Haley to be the tangible representation of His grace that I'm always asking for... the person I can't push away and whose love I will never be able to "earn."
13. He's showing me that I can trust Him and trust myself and don't have to seek validation from others.
14. He's continuing to move my focus and priorities more toward His own and away from my obsession with body image and performance.
15. He's helping me to daily accept that He designed me perfectly to bring Him joy, loves me unconditionally just the way I am, and can be trusted to always do what's best for me, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. When I really stop to think about the magnitude of that truth, I always end up crying. He loves ME.
It's been a good year. I almost doubt that 2010 can compete...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
reframing
Over the past few weeks, I've had lots of free time, so I decided to spend some time reading a blog I previously read only occasionally... The Happiness Project.
This idea of creating happiness is pretty foreign to me, but one suggestion in particular intrigued me: reframing your thoughts about things you dislike. I'm VERY familiar with that concept, although I'd never used it in quite that way, so I decided to give it a shot. As it turns out, reframing has actually worked pretty well when it comes to mundane chores. I despise cleaning, but telling myself that I enjoy it does give me a better attitude (an attitude that's kept our house clean for almost a month). It's working far less well in improving my attitude about work. Perhaps that's a sign...
I've been amazed how much this one small thing has influenced my day to day life. Reframing my attitude about cleaning has resulted in a much cleaner, more ordered house without the same level of frustration I used to feel. Having a consistently clean and at least somewhat organized house calms my anxiety more than I ever imagined, and less anxiety makes the rest of life SO much easier. Of course, we'll see how long this lasts. I've never been one to actually stick with chores.
Anyhow, back to school tomorrow, and I'm dreading it as always... gotta find a way to reframe that thought more successfully (at least until June!).
This idea of creating happiness is pretty foreign to me, but one suggestion in particular intrigued me: reframing your thoughts about things you dislike. I'm VERY familiar with that concept, although I'd never used it in quite that way, so I decided to give it a shot. As it turns out, reframing has actually worked pretty well when it comes to mundane chores. I despise cleaning, but telling myself that I enjoy it does give me a better attitude (an attitude that's kept our house clean for almost a month). It's working far less well in improving my attitude about work. Perhaps that's a sign...
I've been amazed how much this one small thing has influenced my day to day life. Reframing my attitude about cleaning has resulted in a much cleaner, more ordered house without the same level of frustration I used to feel. Having a consistently clean and at least somewhat organized house calms my anxiety more than I ever imagined, and less anxiety makes the rest of life SO much easier. Of course, we'll see how long this lasts. I've never been one to actually stick with chores.
Anyhow, back to school tomorrow, and I'm dreading it as always... gotta find a way to reframe that thought more successfully (at least until June!).
Sunday, October 25, 2009
any age but this one
As school years go, this one is still going quite well... a pretty sad commentary on how the previous six years have gone.
4th grade is still easier, and I love my kids. However, teaching the same lesson over and over all day long is almost painful. By the time I get to the last class I'm sick of reading the same book and saying the same words. Yes, the lesson gets better each time I do it, but the basic content is the same. I'm also often frustrated with the attitude that our school scores well on state tests, so we don't need to learn new, research-based teaching methods. We're totally stuck in the 80s. Perfect example: I had to call someone to remove a set of textbooks from my classroom from when I was IN 4th grade. I recognized the book because it was MY basal reader (not literally my copy, but the same book).
I haven't been writing much either which is ironic considering that I now devote my entire day to teaching writing. I'd even convinced myself that I no longer enjoyed writing. Then I realized the truth: I don't enjoy consistently writing for an audience of fourth graders.
I spend my days teaching children that their lives matter, and they do. But, when I look at my life and at the things I value enough to write about, my things aren't things nine year olds want or need to hear. They aren't even, for the most part, happy, encouraging stories. I need to write about how different being grown up is than I thought it would be and how I feel so left behind. I need to tell the story of sitting heartbroken in a cold parking lot at 1:00 am while the two women I was with sat on either side of me talking about the joys of pregnancy and newborn babies. I need to verbalize all the ways God has made himself visible to me during a really difficult season of doubt. I do NOT need to spend hours writing the stories of riding Disney's latest rollercoaster or dressing up as Snow White for Halloween... but those are the stories I have to write.
I'm ready for this life stage to be over. The current mentor text for my students is Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, and it's outstanding. The little girl in the story, Rachel, talks about wishing she was any age but eleven because her eleventh birthday was such a painful day. I cried the first time I read through the story because I relate on more levels than I'd like. Not only do I know exactly what it feels like to be a child who desperately wishes to escape her own reality, but lately I regularly wish I was any age but twenty-eight. Actually, not any age, but quite a bit older. Past the point where every few days another friend announces a pregnancy and I feel jealousy and sadness instead of the happiness I want to feel. Past this age where having children is all that anyone my own age can seem to talk about. Past twenty-eight and maybe all the way to fifty. I don't want to take any chances.
4th grade is still easier, and I love my kids. However, teaching the same lesson over and over all day long is almost painful. By the time I get to the last class I'm sick of reading the same book and saying the same words. Yes, the lesson gets better each time I do it, but the basic content is the same. I'm also often frustrated with the attitude that our school scores well on state tests, so we don't need to learn new, research-based teaching methods. We're totally stuck in the 80s. Perfect example: I had to call someone to remove a set of textbooks from my classroom from when I was IN 4th grade. I recognized the book because it was MY basal reader (not literally my copy, but the same book).
I haven't been writing much either which is ironic considering that I now devote my entire day to teaching writing. I'd even convinced myself that I no longer enjoyed writing. Then I realized the truth: I don't enjoy consistently writing for an audience of fourth graders.
I spend my days teaching children that their lives matter, and they do. But, when I look at my life and at the things I value enough to write about, my things aren't things nine year olds want or need to hear. They aren't even, for the most part, happy, encouraging stories. I need to write about how different being grown up is than I thought it would be and how I feel so left behind. I need to tell the story of sitting heartbroken in a cold parking lot at 1:00 am while the two women I was with sat on either side of me talking about the joys of pregnancy and newborn babies. I need to verbalize all the ways God has made himself visible to me during a really difficult season of doubt. I do NOT need to spend hours writing the stories of riding Disney's latest rollercoaster or dressing up as Snow White for Halloween... but those are the stories I have to write.
I'm ready for this life stage to be over. The current mentor text for my students is Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, and it's outstanding. The little girl in the story, Rachel, talks about wishing she was any age but eleven because her eleventh birthday was such a painful day. I cried the first time I read through the story because I relate on more levels than I'd like. Not only do I know exactly what it feels like to be a child who desperately wishes to escape her own reality, but lately I regularly wish I was any age but twenty-eight. Actually, not any age, but quite a bit older. Past the point where every few days another friend announces a pregnancy and I feel jealousy and sadness instead of the happiness I want to feel. Past this age where having children is all that anyone my own age can seem to talk about. Past twenty-eight and maybe all the way to fifty. I don't want to take any chances.
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