Last December I made the comment that 2009 was so good that I didn't think 2010 could compete, and while 2010 had its good moments, I can definitely say my prediction was right. It's been a rough year.
I hope 2011 will be better, but if I'm honest, I don't really believe that it will be. There are no simple answers to the problems weighing on my heart, and I know that the next few weeks and months are going to bring answers I don't want to hear and decisions I don't want to make. Despite that, I am hopeful that at least we're reaching a place where there will be answers, even if they aren't the ones I want. Waiting and wondering is exhausting, so I will gladly move past that stage.
At any rate, tomorrow means a new year and the end of the holiday season, and I'm SO ready! Goodbye, 2010. I'm not so sad to see you go...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
a shift I never expected...
Usually breaks from school are sort of the best part of my job. There are moments of teaching that are great, but the many, many holidays are definitely a plus. For the past month or so I've noticed myself dreading the breaks. That was the first sign there might be a problem.
I've gone back and forth with whether or not the mood I'm in qualifies as depression because it's so transient. When I have tons of free time, like during school breaks, I inevitably start thinking about how very different I always thought my life would be, but as long as I'm distracted by work for most of the day, I'm ok. It probably doesn't help that holidays pretty much revolve around children, but still. I don't know that there's ever been a time when work was the thing I looked forward to. I used to try to pretend the breaks wouldn't end. Now I'm almost ready to start some sort of countdown until my life is filled with distractions again and the sadness won't be so consuming.
I realized today that a lot of the sadness comes not from the frustration of waiting like I sort of thought but from the worry that no kids now will mean no kids ever. It might be begrudgingly, but I can accept later. But when I start to think about never... that God might have deliberately chosen for me to be childless... I have no schema for that possibility. Over the past few years of being on and off meds and dealing with what that might mean for having kids I considered lots of possible eventualities, but even my worst case scenarios involved us with kids. Now that we're actually here though, it turns out that considering things in the abstract, way-off future is a lot different than considering them as possible next steps, and suddenly the idea of us ending up childless is looking like a very real possibility to me.
I've already been told by roughly everyone I know that I'm being too negative, and maybe I am. I could get pregnant any time. After all, God can do whatever he chooses... but what if nothing changes?
What if this is the path he chose?
I've gone back and forth with whether or not the mood I'm in qualifies as depression because it's so transient. When I have tons of free time, like during school breaks, I inevitably start thinking about how very different I always thought my life would be, but as long as I'm distracted by work for most of the day, I'm ok. It probably doesn't help that holidays pretty much revolve around children, but still. I don't know that there's ever been a time when work was the thing I looked forward to. I used to try to pretend the breaks wouldn't end. Now I'm almost ready to start some sort of countdown until my life is filled with distractions again and the sadness won't be so consuming.
I realized today that a lot of the sadness comes not from the frustration of waiting like I sort of thought but from the worry that no kids now will mean no kids ever. It might be begrudgingly, but I can accept later. But when I start to think about never... that God might have deliberately chosen for me to be childless... I have no schema for that possibility. Over the past few years of being on and off meds and dealing with what that might mean for having kids I considered lots of possible eventualities, but even my worst case scenarios involved us with kids. Now that we're actually here though, it turns out that considering things in the abstract, way-off future is a lot different than considering them as possible next steps, and suddenly the idea of us ending up childless is looking like a very real possibility to me.
I've already been told by roughly everyone I know that I'm being too negative, and maybe I am. I could get pregnant any time. After all, God can do whatever he chooses... but what if nothing changes?
What if this is the path he chose?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
what a difference a year makes!
I'm having a hard time believing it's almost Christmas again.
Last December was kind of huge for me, although I didn't know at this point that it was going to be. I spent the end of November and the beginning of December redoing some of the more painful parts of my inventory, the ones I glossed over the first time through. I knew from the start that it would be an important step, but it ended up being bigger than I had even begun to imagine. By the time I'd finished praying and writing and sharing, I was exhausted and ready to give up, but I'll never forget the words one of the women spoke after listening to all my deepest secrets: God created you to bring him joy. As I sat there attempting to soak that statement in, everything changed.
See, somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the belief that God created me to make people miserable... and that's a pretty awful thing to believe. I'd heard that God loved me, and I believed that he did. I just thought that it was more the sort of thing where he loved me because he had to. You know, because God has to love everyone, even the people who are here only to bring misery. It's amazing how much that one belief impacted EVERYTHING! There was nothing at all left untouched by the deep loneliness that came with believing I ruined everyone and everything I was near, so when I heard someone say that not only was that belief completely false, that God actually found JOY in ME... there are no words to express the joy I felt. It sounds cliche, but that moment changed my life.
Over the next few weeks and months the new belief, that I'm adored by God and bring him joy, began to take hold, and while I'm by no means perfect, I'm loving that the change is still evident a year later and grows deeper each day. I sat down for coffee this afternoon with that woman, and as we chatted, I was shocked again at just how much I've changed (you'd think that at some point I'd stop being so surprised...). I'm slowly getting better at trusting people who say they care about me, although it's still a huge struggle, but even more surprising to me, I realized I no longer see my relationships as completely one sided where I have nothing worthwhile to offer. Some days are better than others when it comes to living that out, but a year ago even the good days were worse than the not so good days now... and that's amazing.
This December isn't shaping up to be a blockbuster like last year, but I'm starting to think that might be ok. Maybe it's time to appreciate all that I've already gotten.
Last December was kind of huge for me, although I didn't know at this point that it was going to be. I spent the end of November and the beginning of December redoing some of the more painful parts of my inventory, the ones I glossed over the first time through. I knew from the start that it would be an important step, but it ended up being bigger than I had even begun to imagine. By the time I'd finished praying and writing and sharing, I was exhausted and ready to give up, but I'll never forget the words one of the women spoke after listening to all my deepest secrets: God created you to bring him joy. As I sat there attempting to soak that statement in, everything changed.
See, somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the belief that God created me to make people miserable... and that's a pretty awful thing to believe. I'd heard that God loved me, and I believed that he did. I just thought that it was more the sort of thing where he loved me because he had to. You know, because God has to love everyone, even the people who are here only to bring misery. It's amazing how much that one belief impacted EVERYTHING! There was nothing at all left untouched by the deep loneliness that came with believing I ruined everyone and everything I was near, so when I heard someone say that not only was that belief completely false, that God actually found JOY in ME... there are no words to express the joy I felt. It sounds cliche, but that moment changed my life.
Over the next few weeks and months the new belief, that I'm adored by God and bring him joy, began to take hold, and while I'm by no means perfect, I'm loving that the change is still evident a year later and grows deeper each day. I sat down for coffee this afternoon with that woman, and as we chatted, I was shocked again at just how much I've changed (you'd think that at some point I'd stop being so surprised...). I'm slowly getting better at trusting people who say they care about me, although it's still a huge struggle, but even more surprising to me, I realized I no longer see my relationships as completely one sided where I have nothing worthwhile to offer. Some days are better than others when it comes to living that out, but a year ago even the good days were worse than the not so good days now... and that's amazing.
This December isn't shaping up to be a blockbuster like last year, but I'm starting to think that might be ok. Maybe it's time to appreciate all that I've already gotten.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
the path that was best
My posts haven't been the happiest as of late. I've had a lot of not so fun stuff going on with school starting and things just generally not going my way, but this weekend was awesome... so I'm going to try to be a little more positive.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to two friends about God's plans (of course), and I made the comment that I knew God had a plan for me but I just wished I could see it right now. When I look at the people who've impacted me greatly, most of them aren't exactly where they wish they were, and while I know it's sometimes painful for them to not get what they want in life, I also see how God has used them to change my life. If they were living the lives they wanted with husbands and families, they wouldn't have been there to play the role God had for them in my life. Again, it's selfish, but it's easy for me to see that while God's plan may not be easy for them, it's definitely a good one, at least for my sake... and I wanted to see that in my own life. As my friends quickly reminded me, we don't always get to see why the plan is better, so I tried to put that desire out of my mind as something that just wasn't going to happen.
And that brings us to yesterday! After several months of scheduling and rescheduling and one conflict after another, I finally got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since before school started. We went for yogurt, but most of the afternoon was spent simply sitting in her living room talking (and laughing so hard I could hardly breathe). She knows me quite well, so when she asked how she could pray for me, I responded more honestly than I might have with someone else. I told her that I've been praying that I'd accept God's plan no matter what it is, even if it doesn't line up with my own, and then I told her the story about the women who've impacted me and how I wished that I could see God's plan so clearly in my own life. By that point I was tearing up, but she looked at me sort of questioningly and said, "You seriously don't see it?" I said no, and she replied, "You're that person to us."
Tears rolled down my cheeks as she kept talking, but even more than being touched by the sweet words she was saying, I was humbled that God gave me what I wanted. He let me see how the past few years of my life not going as I hoped had actually impacted someone else's life, and he showed me that despite my fussing, this plan was great. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go back and get my own way if it meant losing this relationship. I never would have chosen this path or even imagined it could exist, but it truly was the best one.
Getting this glimpse of God's plan doesn't totally take away the struggle of wanting my own way for my future, but it's definitely a huge encouragement that God's plan isn't just best for other people. He cares about me and has my best interests in mind, too. I'm grateful that he took the time to remind me and give me another moment to look back on the next time I start to doubt.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to two friends about God's plans (of course), and I made the comment that I knew God had a plan for me but I just wished I could see it right now. When I look at the people who've impacted me greatly, most of them aren't exactly where they wish they were, and while I know it's sometimes painful for them to not get what they want in life, I also see how God has used them to change my life. If they were living the lives they wanted with husbands and families, they wouldn't have been there to play the role God had for them in my life. Again, it's selfish, but it's easy for me to see that while God's plan may not be easy for them, it's definitely a good one, at least for my sake... and I wanted to see that in my own life. As my friends quickly reminded me, we don't always get to see why the plan is better, so I tried to put that desire out of my mind as something that just wasn't going to happen.
And that brings us to yesterday! After several months of scheduling and rescheduling and one conflict after another, I finally got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since before school started. We went for yogurt, but most of the afternoon was spent simply sitting in her living room talking (and laughing so hard I could hardly breathe). She knows me quite well, so when she asked how she could pray for me, I responded more honestly than I might have with someone else. I told her that I've been praying that I'd accept God's plan no matter what it is, even if it doesn't line up with my own, and then I told her the story about the women who've impacted me and how I wished that I could see God's plan so clearly in my own life. By that point I was tearing up, but she looked at me sort of questioningly and said, "You seriously don't see it?" I said no, and she replied, "You're that person to us."
Tears rolled down my cheeks as she kept talking, but even more than being touched by the sweet words she was saying, I was humbled that God gave me what I wanted. He let me see how the past few years of my life not going as I hoped had actually impacted someone else's life, and he showed me that despite my fussing, this plan was great. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go back and get my own way if it meant losing this relationship. I never would have chosen this path or even imagined it could exist, but it truly was the best one.
Getting this glimpse of God's plan doesn't totally take away the struggle of wanting my own way for my future, but it's definitely a huge encouragement that God's plan isn't just best for other people. He cares about me and has my best interests in mind, too. I'm grateful that he took the time to remind me and give me another moment to look back on the next time I start to doubt.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
the theme
Since I wrote my last post, the enduring topic in my life has been plans. God's plan. My plan. Other people's plans. It's like everywhere I turn someone is talking or teaching or complaining about the plan for her life. It seems to be the theme this fall. Normally I might wonder why I was so inescapably surrounded by one topic, but this time I can't even pretend not to know. It's completely appropriate because while I have moments of acceptance, the theme of MY fall has been displeasure with the course my life is taking.
I want to trust God's plan. I really do, and logically I should. I've seen his promises play out in my life time and time again, and he's brought me through things I thought I could never overcome. I should trust... but I don't. I'm selfish and prideful, and I still want my own way.
Unfortunately, wallowing in my selfishness has caused me to miss celebrating a lot of the blessings I've been given this fall. I'm off ALL my medications and have been for six months. I'm having a great year at work and getting the chance to impact people around me in ways that I haven't before. I paused today to consider my response before spitting some ugly words at a friend who hurt me which might seem small except that I spent most of my life destroying relationships by responding in just that way. Each of those things is HUGE, but all of them and plenty of others have gotten lost in the struggle to accept that I'm not going to get my way right now.
I've been reading a book that gives nice, quick lists of steps to fix various problems (like selfishness... how lucky!), but as much as I wish everything could be fixed in seven quick steps, life isn't that easy. After spending most of the afternoon in tears, I'm feeling secure in God's love tonight and trusting that there's something in this path that's better even though it hurts right now, but that's only today. Tomorrow the struggle will be fresh. I wonder if it ever gets easier...
I want to trust God's plan. I really do, and logically I should. I've seen his promises play out in my life time and time again, and he's brought me through things I thought I could never overcome. I should trust... but I don't. I'm selfish and prideful, and I still want my own way.
Unfortunately, wallowing in my selfishness has caused me to miss celebrating a lot of the blessings I've been given this fall. I'm off ALL my medications and have been for six months. I'm having a great year at work and getting the chance to impact people around me in ways that I haven't before. I paused today to consider my response before spitting some ugly words at a friend who hurt me which might seem small except that I spent most of my life destroying relationships by responding in just that way. Each of those things is HUGE, but all of them and plenty of others have gotten lost in the struggle to accept that I'm not going to get my way right now.
I've been reading a book that gives nice, quick lists of steps to fix various problems (like selfishness... how lucky!), but as much as I wish everything could be fixed in seven quick steps, life isn't that easy. After spending most of the afternoon in tears, I'm feeling secure in God's love tonight and trusting that there's something in this path that's better even though it hurts right now, but that's only today. Tomorrow the struggle will be fresh. I wonder if it ever gets easier...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
plans
For the past few months I've found it harder and harder to come up with anything I want to write. Summer was totally awesome, but since I was working for a family that basically all of you know, it didn't seem right to share the stories I came home with at the end of the day. Now that school has started again, the content isn't a problem... it's the complete and utter lack of motivation.
This week will be the 10th week of the school year (crazy!!!), and for about the first 8 weeks I was completely and utterly miserable. I transitioned from spending the summer working for the best people EVER to my regular, stressful, not so fun job. Coming back from summer is never fun, but this year it was especially awful for me. I missed getting to hang out with the family I worked for over the summer, and although everyone acted like I should just slip back into kindergarten like I'd never left, that's not how it worked out at all. I was totally lost for the first couple of weeks, and then once I got my footing I still had to deal not only with all the politics and paperwork I hate, but also with the disappointment that I was starting my 8th year of teaching rather than staying home with the children I wish I had. All of that added up to a great recipe for depression, and around week 2 it hit. Hard. Luckily, after a few days I picked myself up and reached out to a couple of my favorite people, and as it turns out, all those coping strategies I've learned in the past few years work shockingly well when I actually use them.
It took a few more weeks, but things have leveled out again. The crippling anxiety that always seems to come with the beginning of school has tapered off, even without medication, and I'm finally starting to enjoy my class and not mind so much that God's plan for my job doesn't line up with what I want at the moment. It helps that my kids have said several adorable things lately, and I keep getting compliments on my fabulous teaching. Who wouldn't like that? I also got a student teacher who seems great so far, and I've noticed that unlike last year, I actually enjoy mentoring her and feel confident in what I'm teaching and modeling for her. Maybe there's hope for the school year after all.
It's also the end of October, and while September was a little rough, I'm feeling great right now... huge, huge, HUGE event considering that I can't remember the last time I felt normal in fall without medication. Maybe when I was 10 or 11? If you'd asked me this time a year ago, I'd have told you this day would never come. Luckily, in this case, God's plan doesn't always line up with mine!
This week will be the 10th week of the school year (crazy!!!), and for about the first 8 weeks I was completely and utterly miserable. I transitioned from spending the summer working for the best people EVER to my regular, stressful, not so fun job. Coming back from summer is never fun, but this year it was especially awful for me. I missed getting to hang out with the family I worked for over the summer, and although everyone acted like I should just slip back into kindergarten like I'd never left, that's not how it worked out at all. I was totally lost for the first couple of weeks, and then once I got my footing I still had to deal not only with all the politics and paperwork I hate, but also with the disappointment that I was starting my 8th year of teaching rather than staying home with the children I wish I had. All of that added up to a great recipe for depression, and around week 2 it hit. Hard. Luckily, after a few days I picked myself up and reached out to a couple of my favorite people, and as it turns out, all those coping strategies I've learned in the past few years work shockingly well when I actually use them.
It took a few more weeks, but things have leveled out again. The crippling anxiety that always seems to come with the beginning of school has tapered off, even without medication, and I'm finally starting to enjoy my class and not mind so much that God's plan for my job doesn't line up with what I want at the moment. It helps that my kids have said several adorable things lately, and I keep getting compliments on my fabulous teaching. Who wouldn't like that? I also got a student teacher who seems great so far, and I've noticed that unlike last year, I actually enjoy mentoring her and feel confident in what I'm teaching and modeling for her. Maybe there's hope for the school year after all.
It's also the end of October, and while September was a little rough, I'm feeling great right now... huge, huge, HUGE event considering that I can't remember the last time I felt normal in fall without medication. Maybe when I was 10 or 11? If you'd asked me this time a year ago, I'd have told you this day would never come. Luckily, in this case, God's plan doesn't always line up with mine!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
it's never just lunch...
A few days ago I met a friend for lunch. I looked forward to it all week and had a great time because she totally rocks, but I left wondering, "Why on earth does she choose to spend time with me???" I mean, I'm shy and somewhat awkward with people and not exactly super fun most of the time, and she has plenty of other better options. Why me?
Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.
The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.
Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...
Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)
Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.
The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.
Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...
Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)
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