the reason why

Lately I keep getting the same question: why do you go to a church where you feel so alone? Some days I have a hard time answering. Other days it's almost laughably easy. This week I've had some of both...

However, twice last week I was reminded of why I chose Watermark and why I've resisted all the suggestions to move on. Last Tuesday we spent the evening hanging out with two of the little girls from my small group at their family's Christmas party. They happen to live a few blocks away, so their parents invited me even though we'd only met in passing as they dropped off and picked up their girls. I was pretty nervous when I walked in their house and knew no one, but I shouldn't have been... we met some new neighbors (who also go to our church) and were welcomed with open arms.

But, my favorite part of this holiday was probably the Christmas Eve service. I love going to the late night service regardless, but this year it was amazing. I'll be honest: I remember very little of the beginning. It was late. I was sleepy. I'm sure it was wonderful. What I do remember wasn't how beautifully the room was decorated or how movingly Todd spoke... I remember the stories of life change that were shared. A line of at least 20 people walked one by one onto the stage holding plain cardboard posters. One side had their story before. The flip side had their story now. A song played in the background, but no one spoke a word. It was so simple and so moving.

As I sat in my chair in the middle of the almost filled auditorium, I connected. I knew many of the people on that stage and had heard their stories in full, and I knew that I could just as easily be there myself. Three years ago I didn't have a story to tell, not one that I recognized anyway. Now I struggle to find words to express my gratitude for God's grace. I'm humbled by the healing I've found... and I'm thankful for a church where people are willing to admit their struggles, no matter how shameful or dirty they may seem.

And as a side note... my girls had some encouragement tonight too. They were having a hard time grasping the idea that you could do a good thing for a selfish reason, so I gave the example of me singing just so people would compliment me or like me rather than to honor God. Then one of the girls said "Well your wish came true." I thought, ok... they still don't get it, but I asked her what she meant. Her response? "Well, now you get to sing for God and for us, and we like it." Then another one chimed in "And we LOVE you!!!"

I guess my dream did come true... I hadn't even noticed.

avoidance

I have an assignment I've been avoiding for, oh, about two months now that sounds relatively easy on the surface: journal about what I believe God is teaching me through the current events of my life.

At the moment I've given up on completing the actual assignment, and I've taken to looking at what about this assignment has driven me to avoid it for so long. I think it's pretty simple: I'm afraid to admit what I fear God may be trying to teach me. If I keep avoiding, it might not happen, right?

If I had to pick a theme for my life since August, the obvious choice would be loneliness. The significant community I'd created over the past year and a half has shrunken to only a small core... the safety net I'd come to rely on was pulled out from under me, and I still don't like it. Looking back, I was maybe a bit too reliant on the opinion and advice of others at the expense of listening to and searching for what God had to say, and over the past few months I've definitely been given the opportunity to get myself out of that habit: when I had nowhere else to turn, I became more willing to turn to the Bible for support for my feelings and beliefs.

The topic this week of the small group I lead was purity... more specifically the idea that if we desire purity we have to listen to, obey, and TRUST God... and, as always, I'm pretty sure I learned more than the girls. I'm struggling with the trust piece right now. I don't like the lesson I'm learning or the road it might be leading me down, and I want life to go my way. I want the good without the struggles, the growth without the pain. The resistance is most obvious when faced with the statement that when it comes to relationship, God alone has to be enough. I immediately pull back. I can accept that idea cognitively, but my heart still begs for something tangible. A person to hold me when I'm crying. Someone to speak words I hear with my ears. A place to physically run when life feels unbearable.

So what do I fear? I fear that learning to accept that God can comfort and love me without any help may mean this is only the beginning of my season of loneliness. I fear that THIS is the reason my community has been stripped away and my attempts to rebuild it have been met with frustration and failure.

Well, I guess I'm finished with my assignment now...

why i HATE the car dealership

The trunk of my car will not close. Apparently this is quite humorous to most people... I am not one of those people.

I see a variety of reasons that this is a problem, not least among them the fact that it's been raining and sleeting all evening, so we take the car to the dealership. They're all "No problem. It'll be ready in two hours." and I think "GREAT! AMAZING!! How very simple!!!" and come home smiling because in two hours I will have a car with a CLOSED trunk. I should have known it was too good to be true.

One hour and forty-five minutes later, they call back and say they don't have the part. I'm already highly annoyed with the fact that it took almost the whole two hours for them to realize that they couldn't even start to fix my car when they mention that, OOPS! They can't actually fix it for TWO WEEKS. Seriously. They have no better solution than to tie it partially shut for the next 14 days and hope for the best.

I guess I better start praying for good weather... and a better attitude.

and the rest is yet to come

The beginnings of my nativity (handmade by my friend Kathy)...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph



baby Jesus up close



the shepherd, the sheep, and the two newest members of my flock

the mouse

thankful

I know this is a little odd, but I'm thankful that I woke up this morning to an e-mail that brought me to tears...

I've been in a bit of a debate with a friend over my last post, so I should probably clarify. Are there people at my church who care about me? Yes. Are there people at my church who know me intimately? A couple. Are there people who would notice if I was gone? Maybe a few (because there would suddenly be a group of leaderless little girls on a mission to find their Goldfish). Do I believe there are people who know me and care about me enough that I couldn't be instantly replaced by one of the hundreds of people who will join in the next few months? Not really... other than the friend I've been discussing this with.

I went to bed last night more than a little frustrated with this discussion. The last thing I wanted was to be called out by someone I hadn't spoken to in several months, and I have to admit, I opened her e-mail this morning with a sense of dread at what was to come... then I started reading. I made it about halfway through the first paragraph before I started sobbing.

What did she say? Simply this: The most important thing for you to remember is that you can't get rid of me, A.

I can count on one hand the people in my life who will understand why those words would be so important to me, and today, more so than the actual words, I was struck by the intimacy of her remark.

She didn't write that particular sentence by chance. She knew to write it because she's been there over the past few years walking with me through even my messiest struggles, and though I often wonder why, she hasn't walked away. She knows me deeply and still loves me anyway, and her persistence reminds me that I am worth fighting for... I would not have become the woman I am today without her encouragement and willingness to speak truth into my life even when I don't want to hear it. She told the truth: I can't get rid of her... trust me, I've tried!

So, I could have written a list of the blessings in my life that I'm thankful for (my husband, our home and dog, my job and class, my friends just to name a few), but given the events of the past two days, this seemed more fitting.

Thanks, H, for continuing to point me back to Christ. Your friendship is a tremendous blessing to me and always will be, no matter what shape it takes.

my place

I desperately want a place to belong.

I've watched for most of the past three years at Watermark as the people around me each found their niche, but I always feel like I'm standing on the outside, separated by an invisible barrier. We've tried the community group thing twice now, and both times we've ended up the outsiders-- the ones left over when the rest of the group tightens. Though I can see reasons in each case that the group was not the best fit, when I think about the end result I find myself coming back to the same conclusion: I'm the flaw.

This morning, I sat there in a room of a thousand people, and all I could think was that there wasn't a single person in that room who cared if I lived or died or would have noticed if I never came back. In the past, that would have been because I chose to remain walled off and hidden inside myself. This time that isn't the case. I've done all the right things... community groups, activities, serving-- in multiple ministries, nonetheless. I've tried the best I know how, often when I would have rather pulled into my shell, and the result has been heartache.

Lately, I often wonder if there's any point in trying anymore. Maybe it's time to give up on this church and move on. There are many things I'd miss, but I wouldn't miss the pain of seeing all the people who've succeeded where I've failed. For all the self blame, I do question whether it is totally my fault. I have friends at work and in the other groups I'm involved in... why can't I make it work here?

a calling?

Lately the idea of feeling "called" has been tossed around a lot in conversations I've been involved in...


"Well, I know God is calling me to this because he wouldn't put this longing in my heart and not fulfill it."

"I'm going to do this (against all wise counsel) because it's what I feel called to do."

"We should help them because God called them to this."


I believe that God can guide us toward certain paths, but lately this phrase feels like a catch-all reason to do something that might not otherwise be prudent. Who can argue if it's God's calling?

I see a couple problems with this attitude. First, I know that God gives us longings that He doesn't fulfill. I know many people who are, just like me, experiencing this first hand. Women who long for husbands or like me, children. God may or may not fulfill those wishes, and if he does, it may not be right away. To say that the longing equates to a call is a big jump... one that can lead to taking our own steps to fulfill that desire outside of God's will (I can't help but think of Abram and Sarai who decided to use their own methods to fulfill God's promise to them). Second, I believe God calls each of us to use discernment in our choices and to look to others in community to guide us to His truth. It's hard to look at your own life with clarity and without bias. That's why He gave us each other.

Another concern I see is that in scripture callings usually involve someone waiting or doing something they would rather not, not necessarily God giving them exactly what they want as soon as they want it. Abraham and Sarah had to wait years beyond what anyone would have believed possible for God to grant their wish with the birth of Isaac. Noah had to build an ark while all his neighbors thought he was losing his mind. Jonah certainly wasn't jumping to head to Ninevah. No one was called to frolic in the flowers or spend money they didn't have to buy things they did not need. Callings in the Bible weren't all fun and games.

Maybe I'm being hard on people. I definitely don't have all the answers... I just know that what I'm hearing does not fit well with what I know of scripture. It does, however, fit well with our society's desire for immediate gratification.

And now I'll stop ranting... I've had my say :-)