Yesterday a friend told me that she was pretty sure summer would be the best part of being a teacher.
My immediate response was that yes, summer is definitely the best part of my job, but as I thought about it today, I remembered that it wasn't always that way. The first few summers were lonely and boring, particularly my first summer here in Dallas. It was nice to have two months off work, but sitting at home all day by myself wasn't all that thrilling. In fact, it was pretty depressing.
This summer (so far) has been the best yet. As of a few weeks ago, I'm completely off ALL my depression and anxiety meds for the first time in almost three years, and I feel great. This time last year, I thought this day would never come, but by the grace of God, it did. Just thinking about the healing and change in my life makes me smile uncontrollably. I'm also babysitting part time for a family that I adore, and they just happen to love me right back. I wake up in the mornings excited to head to their house to see what the boys and their mom have planned for our day. And we went to the lake last weekend with our new community group and had a great time, AND I made it home without getting sunburned. June is going great so far.
There are still some changes going on that I don't like or understand, but at the moment I'm so thrilled with the blessings of this week that I've been able to put those fears aside. I can see how some of these difficult situations are opening up new opportunities that I never thought I'd have, but it's still hard. I want things to be the same. I want my own way.
I want what I know... even though what I'm getting may be better.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
another year down
The experiment in fourth grade is officially over. My kids and I moved all my stuff down the hall right back where it came from, and then after a giant group hug, they walked out the door as proud fifth graders. It's summer!
I found out about three weeks ago that I'd be moving back to kindergarten, but until yesterday, it was officially a secret (although I'd told plenty of non-school people anyway). I didn't want to move. A lot of people have been shocked to hear that I wanted to stay put after my worries about moving to fourth grade in the first place, but I did. I felt like I finally figured out what I was doing around March, so I was excited to start next year knowing all that I do now. It was going to be great.
I'm trying to believe that kindergarten will be great too, and there are moments when I do. Today I was walking down the hall when about six random kindergartners decided to hug me just because their friend (who I actually knew) gave me a hug when she walked by. That's something big kids just don't do. My Lakeshore kids and lots of other things I used to love will be able to come out of storage, and I enjoyed seeing natural light shining through the leaves of the tree outside my window when we moved everything back into my old room. It's not what I wanted, but I'm starting to come around to the idea.
My attitude is pretty good now, but it hasn't been for the past few weeks. I didn't (and still don't) understand God's plan in this situation or in several others that I've faced since the middle of May, and I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in my anger and bitterness. I looked at what I've seen God do in my life over the past few years. Then I looked at what was going on right now, and even though I knew what I should believe, I doubted. I trusted my plan rather than his, and I shut him out.
Last Sunday I learned that people pay more attention to my behavior than I thought when a friend said she was responding to a hard situation the same way I would: by shutting people out and refusing to listen to the truth. Wow. In three weeks I'd gone from being someone I would have been proud to call a friend to someone I wouldn't want to admit I knew. Not only did I make my own situation worse by running from God, I dragged others into the abyss with me.
So now I'm choosing to listen to the truth and trying to trust that God's plan for my life is better than mine even though I don't like it at the moment. I want so very much to trust and be content where I am, and I even get to teach that particular truth this month. I have a feeling I'll be learning more than my girls. Funny how that always works out...
I found out about three weeks ago that I'd be moving back to kindergarten, but until yesterday, it was officially a secret (although I'd told plenty of non-school people anyway). I didn't want to move. A lot of people have been shocked to hear that I wanted to stay put after my worries about moving to fourth grade in the first place, but I did. I felt like I finally figured out what I was doing around March, so I was excited to start next year knowing all that I do now. It was going to be great.
I'm trying to believe that kindergarten will be great too, and there are moments when I do. Today I was walking down the hall when about six random kindergartners decided to hug me just because their friend (who I actually knew) gave me a hug when she walked by. That's something big kids just don't do. My Lakeshore kids and lots of other things I used to love will be able to come out of storage, and I enjoyed seeing natural light shining through the leaves of the tree outside my window when we moved everything back into my old room. It's not what I wanted, but I'm starting to come around to the idea.
My attitude is pretty good now, but it hasn't been for the past few weeks. I didn't (and still don't) understand God's plan in this situation or in several others that I've faced since the middle of May, and I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in my anger and bitterness. I looked at what I've seen God do in my life over the past few years. Then I looked at what was going on right now, and even though I knew what I should believe, I doubted. I trusted my plan rather than his, and I shut him out.
Last Sunday I learned that people pay more attention to my behavior than I thought when a friend said she was responding to a hard situation the same way I would: by shutting people out and refusing to listen to the truth. Wow. In three weeks I'd gone from being someone I would have been proud to call a friend to someone I wouldn't want to admit I knew. Not only did I make my own situation worse by running from God, I dragged others into the abyss with me.
So now I'm choosing to listen to the truth and trying to trust that God's plan for my life is better than mine even though I don't like it at the moment. I want so very much to trust and be content where I am, and I even get to teach that particular truth this month. I have a feeling I'll be learning more than my girls. Funny how that always works out...
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