no, I didn't use ratiocination...

I've spent the last week and a half learning about the writing process and creating a fabulous piece to publish in our workshop anthology, but I have no intention of applying ANY of that tonight.

I finished the latest rewrite of my anthology piece (number five, maybe?) this afternoon as I sat cross-legged on the examining table in my cardiologist's office waiting to hear the results of my latest EKG. I knew it would be normal (they always are), but I almost hoped for an irregularity... something tangible to show what's going on silently inside my chest. Instead, I got the normal result I expected and a week to look forward to the next round of tests.

I'm thrilled to know that the doctor believes I have a healthy 26 year old heart... possibly a heart rhythm problem that can be easily treated, but nothing unmanageable... but in the back of my mind a persistent voice whispers doubt. What if it's not simple? What if there IS a serious problem? What if, what if, what if... it's an evil little question.

I have a feeling the what ifs will be hard to drown out this week. The anxiety that had ebbed a bit as the doctor calmly explained how the electrical system in my heart works and what he thought might be going on is slowly rising again, and suddenly I'm without words to express the fear that's tightening its grasp on me.

August 6 cannot come soon enough...