exhaustion

The past three weeks have been a blur, and my patience and energy are all but gone.

After two weeks of serious bonding time with my cardiologist, all my tests came back normal. He's not quite sure how I can ride my bike for hours and still have the heart rate results I had, but nonetheless, I have no significant or serious heart problems. With all the drama in my life since, all the stress of tests and results and medical worries feels a million years away... how quickly things change.

I started back to work last week. The beginning of school is always insane, and this year the stress has been compounded by all the other changes going on in my life. I'm at a new school, and though I did choose this change, it's QUITE an adjustment. I miss my old teammates and my kids who came back to visit every year. I miss knowing all the little details of how the school runs and the safety of daily and year to year routines. I miss having people around me with similar philosophies, and I even miss the grind of life at a Title 1 campus... it's hard but rewarding in a way that my current job is not.

The other huge change is one I did not choose... the loss of many of my closest friends. I've stood for what I believe in, and while I'm proud of myself for not giving in to the pressure of others, I'm sad that refusing to rewrite truth has meant losing people I dearly loved. I've always heard stories of people standing up for their beliefs in the face of opposition, but it's never been me. I've always been able to have my beliefs without great cost. Though this doesn't begin to compare to what some people pay for standing up for Christ, it's not exactly a walk in the park.

As the days go on, I'm finding new routines and friendships at school. Perhaps I'll even feel at home there soon, but unfortunately, rebuilding my community will be harder. Most days I'm not sure I even want to. I feel like every time I try, I get burned...

sweeping up the dust

I've learned over the past year or so that being a grown up is just straight up messy. Yes, there are many positives, and no, I don't want to go back where I was... but I could do without the messiness.

A year ago, I finally found a home... a group of people who loved me, a safe haven where I could be myself without fear. This weekend I watched as the decision of another shattered the trust and unconditional love that typifies that community. My heart is broken.

I don't know how (or if) those relationships will weather this storm, but if the past two days are any sign, we'll be picking up the pieces for years to come... and I just wonder why it had to be this way. I know we're all imperfect and we all make mistakes, but still... it just isn't fair. I worked SO hard and took risks and did everything that was asked of me, even when I didn't want to.

And now, one year later, I'm alone... again.

the joy of a new beginning

I'm ready to meet my new class.

Every year about this time I suddenly become overly excited about going back to work. I'm not sure what causes the miraculous change of heart, but it always happens. Maybe it's all the training I do over the summer, or perhaps it's just getting bored with time off. Whatever the cause, today the excitement hit.

Aside from Abydos, I've been reading lots of Lucy Calkins. She describes teaching with such love and devotion that it's hard not to get sucked in. The Art of Teaching Writing is a long, wordy book... it has the look of a college textbook and could definitely be used for that purpose (I think it actually was one of mine, though I long ago sold it back). Her Units of Primary Study are more easily accessible, short and to the point in general. I've immersed myself fully in both, and though I already knew Lucy Calkins was a brilliant educator, I've enjoyed "hearing" her voice and seeing her love for the craft. I'm inspired, and I have a renewed sense of purpose. I'm ready to get started.

Luckily this excitement has drowned out the frustration of finally getting the keys to my classroom only to find that it's empty (and being told I already have a parent waiting to meet me... can't be good!). I guess I'll deal with that on Friday!

On a totally different note, tomorrow is the day for the latest round of testing on my heart. I'm less worried than I thought I would be, but I'll still be glad when it's over. Hopefully everything will come back clear and the weight of worry will be lifted...

And now I must quit procrastinating and finish my final Abydos piece!