Ok, so I had high hopes of writing a positive, cheerful post this week, and I'm going to. My week was, um... interesting, I guess. Lots of extremes, both high and low, but I'm in the mood to forget the awful and focus on the good. So here you go! A list of the good stuff...
1. Eating organic strawberries... as it turns out, fruit tastes SO much yummier now that I'm not constantly stuffing my face with processed sugar.
2. Winning the lunch room award for the 2nd week in a row! We got to have extra recess Friday in the gorgeous sun. Amazing.
3. Co-workers who took up the slack when I was dealing with crisis and helped my kids make the puppets that rocked the rest of our day... infinitely thankful.
4. Getting to go to dinner with my husband before he left for the weekend
5. Wearing short sleeves and capris yesterday... totally needed the spring-like sun!
6. Playing Clue with some great friends... can't remember the last time I played Clue, but it was my favorite as a kid. Luckily we caught the dastardly Mr. Green in the kitchen with the lead pipe before he made his escape.
7. Receiving a beautiful calendar with photos taken by a friend and scriptures that will encourage me all year... the gift that will keep on giving even when things are hard. :)
It seems like a sort of short list, but I think seven will do for this post. Perhaps I'll have more next week.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
the new diet
For the past four years or so I've had an ongoing war with my dietitian over the fact that I eat far too many carbohydrates and not enough protein. At first I tried to appease her by following her plan, but as time passed I sort of gave up. I never got all the protein in, and I was still relatively healthy. I'd go through phases of compliance and attempted to eat protein at every meal even on the bad days, but the issue never really went away.
Fast forward to last Friday. I'm sitting in my doctor's office listening to her debate possible diagnoses when it comes up that a possible treatment for one of the conditions is a low-carb diet. Now, I went into this appointment knowing that I could hear all sorts of bad news, but my immediate thought when she said that was, "You've got to be kidding me. This is the WORST!" I know. It sounds so absolutely self-centered and immature, but in that moment it felt like I was being told that not only do I have to deal with infertility and all that goes with that, I now have to give up everything I like to eat, possibly for the rest of my life... and that sounded like one too many things to deal with right now.
It took a bit, but I calmed down and accepted that miserable as it might be, I had to change my diet. At first it was every bit as awful as I expected. I walked out of the grocery store early in the week with an entire basket of foods that were completely unappealing to me, and I wanted to cry. In fact, that was how I felt with every bite of food for the first 4 or 5 days. However, once I got past the initial shock, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm finding foods that I like that have more protein, and I don't miss sugar as much as I did in the beginning. I'm even excited about the food I bought at the grocery store this afternoon. Who knows if it will work the way we're hoping, but at least for the time being I'm in a much better mood.
Maybe this will be great... can't hurt to hope, right?
Fast forward to last Friday. I'm sitting in my doctor's office listening to her debate possible diagnoses when it comes up that a possible treatment for one of the conditions is a low-carb diet. Now, I went into this appointment knowing that I could hear all sorts of bad news, but my immediate thought when she said that was, "You've got to be kidding me. This is the WORST!" I know. It sounds so absolutely self-centered and immature, but in that moment it felt like I was being told that not only do I have to deal with infertility and all that goes with that, I now have to give up everything I like to eat, possibly for the rest of my life... and that sounded like one too many things to deal with right now.
It took a bit, but I calmed down and accepted that miserable as it might be, I had to change my diet. At first it was every bit as awful as I expected. I walked out of the grocery store early in the week with an entire basket of foods that were completely unappealing to me, and I wanted to cry. In fact, that was how I felt with every bite of food for the first 4 or 5 days. However, once I got past the initial shock, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm finding foods that I like that have more protein, and I don't miss sugar as much as I did in the beginning. I'm even excited about the food I bought at the grocery store this afternoon. Who knows if it will work the way we're hoping, but at least for the time being I'm in a much better mood.
Maybe this will be great... can't hurt to hope, right?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
the tipping point
I had a crummy week.
I want to write a positive post because I feel guilty for spending so much time complaining about what I don't have when I've been immensely blessed in comparison to most of the rest of the world, but if I'm honest, it's been a hard week. I've spent so much time worrying about and waiting for doctor's appointments and test results that I've become even more self-absorbed than usual. Life has revolved completely around me, and being me hasn't been very fun.
My new student teacher came for the first time this Wednesday, and I realized about five minutes in that starting down the path of fertility treatments has already changed me for the worse. I think I was a pretty good mentor in the fall, but just the thought of mentoring this new girl makes me tired. It's not that I think she'll be particularly difficult or anything. It's just that she's one more person I have to take care of, and taking care of extra people feels really hard when I've got so much going on outside of school.
Teaching little bitties has always been emotionally demanding. In fact, it used to feel crushing to me, but this year it hasn't. Until this week, picking up my kids in the mornings tended to be the highlight of the day. They would see me walk in the door and jump up, all fighting to be first to tell me whatever exciting news they've picked up since the previous afternoon, and the stress of the rest of my life would melt away. This week that didn't happen. There were moments that they'd do or say something precious and I'd get pulled back in for a bit, but apparently I've reached the tipping point where the stress is too much to sweep under the carpet with a few cute smiles. Adding responsibilities certainly didn't help.
I'm beyond thankful for the moments that were special. Seeing a picture of words written in chalk on a sidewalk proclaiming to the world that I take care of my class when they're hurt and help them with their learning. Escaping into a magical pirate world during recess with one of my autistic kids. Reading a card that described me as "loevly." Having a dance party after we were the best behaved kindergarten class in the lunch room yet again. Those are the parts of the week that I want to remember. That's the post I want to write... the one where my week totally rocked.
Maybe next week...
I want to write a positive post because I feel guilty for spending so much time complaining about what I don't have when I've been immensely blessed in comparison to most of the rest of the world, but if I'm honest, it's been a hard week. I've spent so much time worrying about and waiting for doctor's appointments and test results that I've become even more self-absorbed than usual. Life has revolved completely around me, and being me hasn't been very fun.
My new student teacher came for the first time this Wednesday, and I realized about five minutes in that starting down the path of fertility treatments has already changed me for the worse. I think I was a pretty good mentor in the fall, but just the thought of mentoring this new girl makes me tired. It's not that I think she'll be particularly difficult or anything. It's just that she's one more person I have to take care of, and taking care of extra people feels really hard when I've got so much going on outside of school.
Teaching little bitties has always been emotionally demanding. In fact, it used to feel crushing to me, but this year it hasn't. Until this week, picking up my kids in the mornings tended to be the highlight of the day. They would see me walk in the door and jump up, all fighting to be first to tell me whatever exciting news they've picked up since the previous afternoon, and the stress of the rest of my life would melt away. This week that didn't happen. There were moments that they'd do or say something precious and I'd get pulled back in for a bit, but apparently I've reached the tipping point where the stress is too much to sweep under the carpet with a few cute smiles. Adding responsibilities certainly didn't help.
I'm beyond thankful for the moments that were special. Seeing a picture of words written in chalk on a sidewalk proclaiming to the world that I take care of my class when they're hurt and help them with their learning. Escaping into a magical pirate world during recess with one of my autistic kids. Reading a card that described me as "loevly." Having a dance party after we were the best behaved kindergarten class in the lunch room yet again. Those are the parts of the week that I want to remember. That's the post I want to write... the one where my week totally rocked.
Maybe next week...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
reality
Infertility sucks.
I've shied away from using that word to describe what I'm going through, but since my doctor seems ok with claiming it, I guess it's time that I accept that it's accurate. I'm dealing with infertility. It is an issue, and it isn't going to magically disappear. It's my reality. My problem has always been that I have friends much further down the path than me, people who've gone through years and years of heartache, and I tend to feel guilty placing us all in the same category. I don't know when the magic moment would be when I would have felt enough pain to qualify though, so perhaps it's time to let go of that distinction and admit that, unfortunately, I already do.
I've enjoyed the last couple of weeks because, to be completely honest, I'd given up hope of ever getting pregnant. That sounds like a really awful place to be, but surprisingly, it wasn't. I'd started researching other options like fostering or adopting kids, and I started to get excited about those things. I could walk through the children's building at church or read that another friend was pregnant and not want to scream out of jealousy or burst into tears, and that was nice. Life wasn't going as I planned, but this was a workable alternative.
Then I went to the doctor, and she brought hope back into the equation.
It's counter intuitive, but when she insisted there was still lots of hope for me getting pregnant, everything fell apart again. Not immediately. At first I was thrilled, but that didn't last long. The problem with this new hope of pregnancy is that along with it comes a lot of risk. Treatments that may or may not work. More months or years of the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results, knowing the answer I want is unlikely, but still getting my hopes up anyway. Having my heart ripped out every time another friend announces her "accidental" pregnancy. Life-altering ethical decisions that scare me to death. When the situation looked hopeless, there was a peace in at least having a clear answer and an end in sight, but with hope there's no black or white next step... just lots of uncertainty.
So that's this week. I'm glad it's almost over...
I've shied away from using that word to describe what I'm going through, but since my doctor seems ok with claiming it, I guess it's time that I accept that it's accurate. I'm dealing with infertility. It is an issue, and it isn't going to magically disappear. It's my reality. My problem has always been that I have friends much further down the path than me, people who've gone through years and years of heartache, and I tend to feel guilty placing us all in the same category. I don't know when the magic moment would be when I would have felt enough pain to qualify though, so perhaps it's time to let go of that distinction and admit that, unfortunately, I already do.
I've enjoyed the last couple of weeks because, to be completely honest, I'd given up hope of ever getting pregnant. That sounds like a really awful place to be, but surprisingly, it wasn't. I'd started researching other options like fostering or adopting kids, and I started to get excited about those things. I could walk through the children's building at church or read that another friend was pregnant and not want to scream out of jealousy or burst into tears, and that was nice. Life wasn't going as I planned, but this was a workable alternative.
Then I went to the doctor, and she brought hope back into the equation.
It's counter intuitive, but when she insisted there was still lots of hope for me getting pregnant, everything fell apart again. Not immediately. At first I was thrilled, but that didn't last long. The problem with this new hope of pregnancy is that along with it comes a lot of risk. Treatments that may or may not work. More months or years of the emotional roller coaster of waiting for test results, knowing the answer I want is unlikely, but still getting my hopes up anyway. Having my heart ripped out every time another friend announces her "accidental" pregnancy. Life-altering ethical decisions that scare me to death. When the situation looked hopeless, there was a peace in at least having a clear answer and an end in sight, but with hope there's no black or white next step... just lots of uncertainty.
So that's this week. I'm glad it's almost over...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
a new year
We're only five days in, but 2011 is already off to a better start than 2010. No one has died. I haven't lost my voice. My bones are all intact (well, as far as I know). The first week of this year is definitely an improvement!
Actually though, this week has been great. Other than having to wake up early, being back at work is wonderful. I've always known that I thrive on structure and sameness, but lately the routine of school is a greater comfort than usual... well, except for the part where the kids are irate about my new haircut. They had a MUCH stronger reaction than I expected, but luckily they seem to be adapting. Today I only got two, "You look like a boy," comments which was a huge improvement over the roughly two hundred critical comments yesterday.
Nothing in my life has really changed. All the problems that were here last week are still around today, but it's amazing how the perception of a fresh start and the reality of eighteen smiling faces thrilled to be back at school has improved my outlook on life. That, coupled with a great conversation with a friend over dinner, has made for one of the best days in a long time.
The problems will come back to the forefront soon enough, I'm sure, but for now I'm going to enjoy the rest of this first fabulous week. Happy January!
Actually though, this week has been great. Other than having to wake up early, being back at work is wonderful. I've always known that I thrive on structure and sameness, but lately the routine of school is a greater comfort than usual... well, except for the part where the kids are irate about my new haircut. They had a MUCH stronger reaction than I expected, but luckily they seem to be adapting. Today I only got two, "You look like a boy," comments which was a huge improvement over the roughly two hundred critical comments yesterday.
Nothing in my life has really changed. All the problems that were here last week are still around today, but it's amazing how the perception of a fresh start and the reality of eighteen smiling faces thrilled to be back at school has improved my outlook on life. That, coupled with a great conversation with a friend over dinner, has made for one of the best days in a long time.
The problems will come back to the forefront soon enough, I'm sure, but for now I'm going to enjoy the rest of this first fabulous week. Happy January!
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