excited?

The day I thought would never come is here: I'm pregnant!

And now I don't really know what to say.

I know all the "right" things, but for some reason those just don't seem to fit right now. As we've gradually told people over the past couple of weeks, the question I've been asked more than any other is, "Are you excited?!?" It's a totally "right" question, and for my own sake and the sake of the happy askers, I usually just say yes. But, if I'm honest, I'm not excited. While I appreciate the huge blessing we've been given, this doesn't feel real. I want to feel the hopeful happiness I see others feeling, but I can't stop thinking that something this good can't actually be happening, not to me. So it's not exactly exciting... it's surreal.

We found out a little over two months ago, and since then I've spent most of my time certain that I'd have a miscarriage. When I reached the point where that became less likely, I moved on to other fears. I can think of a million ways this could turn out badly, but after years of thinking it could never happen for us and watching so many people go through heartbreak after heartbreak, I just can't let myself believe that we might have an actual, precious little baby to hold in November. The risk feels too big.

So for today, I'm cautiously optimistic (so cautiously that I'm a little afraid to admit there's even a glimmer of hope), not excited. We'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings...