the path that was best

My posts haven't been the happiest as of late. I've had a lot of not so fun stuff going on with school starting and things just generally not going my way, but this weekend was awesome... so I'm going to try to be a little more positive.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to two friends about God's plans (of course), and I made the comment that I knew God had a plan for me but I just wished I could see it right now. When I look at the people who've impacted me greatly, most of them aren't exactly where they wish they were, and while I know it's sometimes painful for them to not get what they want in life, I also see how God has used them to change my life. If they were living the lives they wanted with husbands and families, they wouldn't have been there to play the role God had for them in my life. Again, it's selfish, but it's easy for me to see that while God's plan may not be easy for them, it's definitely a good one, at least for my sake... and I wanted to see that in my own life. As my friends quickly reminded me, we don't always get to see why the plan is better, so I tried to put that desire out of my mind as something that just wasn't going to happen.

And that brings us to yesterday! After several months of scheduling and rescheduling and one conflict after another, I finally got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since before school started. We went for yogurt, but most of the afternoon was spent simply sitting in her living room talking (and laughing so hard I could hardly breathe). She knows me quite well, so when she asked how she could pray for me, I responded more honestly than I might have with someone else. I told her that I've been praying that I'd accept God's plan no matter what it is, even if it doesn't line up with my own, and then I told her the story about the women who've impacted me and how I wished that I could see God's plan so clearly in my own life. By that point I was tearing up, but she looked at me sort of questioningly and said, "You seriously don't see it?" I said no, and she replied, "You're that person to us."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as she kept talking, but even more than being touched by the sweet words she was saying, I was humbled that God gave me what I wanted. He let me see how the past few years of my life not going as I hoped had actually impacted someone else's life, and he showed me that despite my fussing, this plan was great. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go back and get my own way if it meant losing this relationship. I never would have chosen this path or even imagined it could exist, but it truly was the best one.

Getting this glimpse of God's plan doesn't totally take away the struggle of wanting my own way for my future, but it's definitely a huge encouragement that God's plan isn't just best for other people. He cares about me and has my best interests in mind, too. I'm grateful that he took the time to remind me and give me another moment to look back on the next time I start to doubt.

the theme

Since I wrote my last post, the enduring topic in my life has been plans. God's plan. My plan. Other people's plans. It's like everywhere I turn someone is talking or teaching or complaining about the plan for her life. It seems to be the theme this fall. Normally I might wonder why I was so inescapably surrounded by one topic, but this time I can't even pretend not to know. It's completely appropriate because while I have moments of acceptance, the theme of MY fall has been displeasure with the course my life is taking.

I want to trust God's plan. I really do, and logically I should. I've seen his promises play out in my life time and time again, and he's brought me through things I thought I could never overcome. I should trust... but I don't. I'm selfish and prideful, and I still want my own way.

Unfortunately, wallowing in my selfishness has caused me to miss celebrating a lot of the blessings I've been given this fall. I'm off ALL my medications and have been for six months. I'm having a great year at work and getting the chance to impact people around me in ways that I haven't before. I paused today to consider my response before spitting some ugly words at a friend who hurt me which might seem small except that I spent most of my life destroying relationships by responding in just that way. Each of those things is HUGE, but all of them and plenty of others have gotten lost in the struggle to accept that I'm not going to get my way right now.

I've been reading a book that gives nice, quick lists of steps to fix various problems (like selfishness... how lucky!), but as much as I wish everything could be fixed in seven quick steps, life isn't that easy. After spending most of the afternoon in tears, I'm feeling secure in God's love tonight and trusting that there's something in this path that's better even though it hurts right now, but that's only today. Tomorrow the struggle will be fresh. I wonder if it ever gets easier...

the thing to do

Apparently the thing to do when you're 28 and married is have kids. This isn't anything new. In fact, it started around 25. People ask me all the time when (not if) we're going to have kids, and in case you were wondering, the answer is not anytime soon.

Most of the time I'm ok with that because I recognize that God has a different plan for me right now, but the past few weeks I've been really frustrated. It feels like everyone I know is either pregnant or obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Some days I think it's the only thing anyone talks about. I've heard all about fertility treatments and morning sickness and how great it feels when your baby moves inside your stomach, and there's nothing at all wrong with talking about those things. It just gets awfully boring and sometimes a little sad since I'm not in that place.

Today it hurts. I wish we had kids, and it totally sucks to have to sit and listen to people go on and on and ON about their journeys. But that's what I have to do. Every single day.

It's one of those days I wish I was any age but this one.

any age but this one

As school years go, this one is still going quite well... a pretty sad commentary on how the previous six years have gone.

4th grade is still easier, and I love my kids. However, teaching the same lesson over and over all day long is almost painful. By the time I get to the last class I'm sick of reading the same book and saying the same words. Yes, the lesson gets better each time I do it, but the basic content is the same. I'm also often frustrated with the attitude that our school scores well on state tests, so we don't need to learn new, research-based teaching methods. We're totally stuck in the 80s. Perfect example: I had to call someone to remove a set of textbooks from my classroom from when I was IN 4th grade. I recognized the book because it was MY basal reader (not literally my copy, but the same book).

I haven't been writing much either which is ironic considering that I now devote my entire day to teaching writing. I'd even convinced myself that I no longer enjoyed writing. Then I realized the truth: I don't enjoy consistently writing for an audience of fourth graders.

I spend my days teaching children that their lives matter, and they do. But, when I look at my life and at the things I value enough to write about, my things aren't things nine year olds want or need to hear. They aren't even, for the most part, happy, encouraging stories. I need to write about how different being grown up is than I thought it would be and how I feel so left behind. I need to tell the story of sitting heartbroken in a cold parking lot at 1:00 am while the two women I was with sat on either side of me talking about the joys of pregnancy and newborn babies. I need to verbalize all the ways God has made himself visible to me during a really difficult season of doubt. I do NOT need to spend hours writing the stories of riding Disney's latest rollercoaster or dressing up as Snow White for Halloween... but those are the stories I have to write.

I'm ready for this life stage to be over. The current mentor text for my students is Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, and it's outstanding. The little girl in the story, Rachel, talks about wishing she was any age but eleven because her eleventh birthday was such a painful day. I cried the first time I read through the story because I relate on more levels than I'd like. Not only do I know exactly what it feels like to be a child who desperately wishes to escape her own reality, but lately I regularly wish I was any age but twenty-eight. Actually, not any age, but quite a bit older. Past the point where every few days another friend announces a pregnancy and I feel jealousy and sadness instead of the happiness I want to feel. Past this age where having children is all that anyone my own age can seem to talk about. Past twenty-eight and maybe all the way to fifty. I don't want to take any chances.

a calling?

Lately the idea of feeling "called" has been tossed around a lot in conversations I've been involved in...


"Well, I know God is calling me to this because he wouldn't put this longing in my heart and not fulfill it."

"I'm going to do this (against all wise counsel) because it's what I feel called to do."

"We should help them because God called them to this."


I believe that God can guide us toward certain paths, but lately this phrase feels like a catch-all reason to do something that might not otherwise be prudent. Who can argue if it's God's calling?

I see a couple problems with this attitude. First, I know that God gives us longings that He doesn't fulfill. I know many people who are, just like me, experiencing this first hand. Women who long for husbands or like me, children. God may or may not fulfill those wishes, and if he does, it may not be right away. To say that the longing equates to a call is a big jump... one that can lead to taking our own steps to fulfill that desire outside of God's will (I can't help but think of Abram and Sarai who decided to use their own methods to fulfill God's promise to them). Second, I believe God calls each of us to use discernment in our choices and to look to others in community to guide us to His truth. It's hard to look at your own life with clarity and without bias. That's why He gave us each other.

Another concern I see is that in scripture callings usually involve someone waiting or doing something they would rather not, not necessarily God giving them exactly what they want as soon as they want it. Abraham and Sarah had to wait years beyond what anyone would have believed possible for God to grant their wish with the birth of Isaac. Noah had to build an ark while all his neighbors thought he was losing his mind. Jonah certainly wasn't jumping to head to Ninevah. No one was called to frolic in the flowers or spend money they didn't have to buy things they did not need. Callings in the Bible weren't all fun and games.

Maybe I'm being hard on people. I definitely don't have all the answers... I just know that what I'm hearing does not fit well with what I know of scripture. It does, however, fit well with our society's desire for immediate gratification.

And now I'll stop ranting... I've had my say :-)

shattered

Yesterday I started reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb, and about five minutes in, I realized that this book was going to hit on many of the themes in my life lately including a major one... if God is truly loving, why is life so difficult?

Over the past few weeks, I've watched as the dreams I had for my life have, in many ways, shattered. In my fairy tale, by now I'd be a young, stay-at-home mom with cute kids and a beautiful home. In my real life, my friends are moving forward with starting families while I have once again begun the frustrating search for the right combination of crazy pills that will keep me sane. Despite all my work and all the programs and counseling I've done, my depression returned. Again. This just isn't how I dreamed my life would look.

I don't know how I'll feel about this book in the end, but so far I find it both challenging and soothing. For most of my life, I've heard all the "right" Christian comfort, but it feels almost offensive most of the time... like a way for the person to escape the pain that I can't escape. People want to hear that I trust that God will ultimately take away my struggles or at least give me happiness despite them, not that I'm hurting and confused and at times want nothing to do with the person who allows this pain to occur even though He could stop it at any time. They don't want to deal with the grim reality that God's plan for my life may INCLUDE this struggle. Forever. It may not go away. And they often don't want to consider that, maybe, just maybe, this is NOT a reflection of my worthiness as a Christian.

Why does God allow pain and heartbreak and shattered dreams? Maybe, like Crabb suggests, it is to draw us closer to Him... to strip us down until we can see deep in our souls that we need God. Maybe it's to teach us things we'd never learn otherwise. Maybe it's to allow us to comfort others who are experiencing that deep pain as well. Maybe it's all of these things and many others. All I know is that I can't accept that it is simply to punish us for a failed relationship with Him...

I sometimes wish that I had the seemingly easy life that many people around me have... the ones who float around happily while all their dreams come true. But, as I was reminded this week, the trade off is often a life filled with inauthentic, surface only relationships to avoid the struggle of really living life with people, of really delving into the depths of our own hearts and seeing our own weaknesses and faults.

For whatever reason, I've had more than my fair share of pain in my life thus far, and that sucks. But, the pain has definitely revealed my soul and drawn me closer to God, and even in the midst of a low time, I am still glad to have caught a glimpse of my authentic heart.