The past three weeks have been a blur, and my patience and energy are all but gone.
After two weeks of serious bonding time with my cardiologist, all my tests came back normal. He's not quite sure how I can ride my bike for hours and still have the heart rate results I had, but nonetheless, I have no significant or serious heart problems. With all the drama in my life since, all the stress of tests and results and medical worries feels a million years away... how quickly things change.
I started back to work last week. The beginning of school is always insane, and this year the stress has been compounded by all the other changes going on in my life. I'm at a new school, and though I did choose this change, it's QUITE an adjustment. I miss my old teammates and my kids who came back to visit every year. I miss knowing all the little details of how the school runs and the safety of daily and year to year routines. I miss having people around me with similar philosophies, and I even miss the grind of life at a Title 1 campus... it's hard but rewarding in a way that my current job is not.
The other huge change is one I did not choose... the loss of many of my closest friends. I've stood for what I believe in, and while I'm proud of myself for not giving in to the pressure of others, I'm sad that refusing to rewrite truth has meant losing people I dearly loved. I've always heard stories of people standing up for their beliefs in the face of opposition, but it's never been me. I've always been able to have my beliefs without great cost. Though this doesn't begin to compare to what some people pay for standing up for Christ, it's not exactly a walk in the park.
As the days go on, I'm finding new routines and friendships at school. Perhaps I'll even feel at home there soon, but unfortunately, rebuilding my community will be harder. Most days I'm not sure I even want to. I feel like every time I try, I get burned...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
sweeping up the dust
I've learned over the past year or so that being a grown up is just straight up messy. Yes, there are many positives, and no, I don't want to go back where I was... but I could do without the messiness.
A year ago, I finally found a home... a group of people who loved me, a safe haven where I could be myself without fear. This weekend I watched as the decision of another shattered the trust and unconditional love that typifies that community. My heart is broken.
I don't know how (or if) those relationships will weather this storm, but if the past two days are any sign, we'll be picking up the pieces for years to come... and I just wonder why it had to be this way. I know we're all imperfect and we all make mistakes, but still... it just isn't fair. I worked SO hard and took risks and did everything that was asked of me, even when I didn't want to.
And now, one year later, I'm alone... again.
A year ago, I finally found a home... a group of people who loved me, a safe haven where I could be myself without fear. This weekend I watched as the decision of another shattered the trust and unconditional love that typifies that community. My heart is broken.
I don't know how (or if) those relationships will weather this storm, but if the past two days are any sign, we'll be picking up the pieces for years to come... and I just wonder why it had to be this way. I know we're all imperfect and we all make mistakes, but still... it just isn't fair. I worked SO hard and took risks and did everything that was asked of me, even when I didn't want to.
And now, one year later, I'm alone... again.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
the joy of a new beginning
I'm ready to meet my new class.
Every year about this time I suddenly become overly excited about going back to work. I'm not sure what causes the miraculous change of heart, but it always happens. Maybe it's all the training I do over the summer, or perhaps it's just getting bored with time off. Whatever the cause, today the excitement hit.
Aside from Abydos, I've been reading lots of Lucy Calkins. She describes teaching with such love and devotion that it's hard not to get sucked in. The Art of Teaching Writing is a long, wordy book... it has the look of a college textbook and could definitely be used for that purpose (I think it actually was one of mine, though I long ago sold it back). Her Units of Primary Study are more easily accessible, short and to the point in general. I've immersed myself fully in both, and though I already knew Lucy Calkins was a brilliant educator, I've enjoyed "hearing" her voice and seeing her love for the craft. I'm inspired, and I have a renewed sense of purpose. I'm ready to get started.
Luckily this excitement has drowned out the frustration of finally getting the keys to my classroom only to find that it's empty (and being told I already have a parent waiting to meet me... can't be good!). I guess I'll deal with that on Friday!
On a totally different note, tomorrow is the day for the latest round of testing on my heart. I'm less worried than I thought I would be, but I'll still be glad when it's over. Hopefully everything will come back clear and the weight of worry will be lifted...
And now I must quit procrastinating and finish my final Abydos piece!
Every year about this time I suddenly become overly excited about going back to work. I'm not sure what causes the miraculous change of heart, but it always happens. Maybe it's all the training I do over the summer, or perhaps it's just getting bored with time off. Whatever the cause, today the excitement hit.
Aside from Abydos, I've been reading lots of Lucy Calkins. She describes teaching with such love and devotion that it's hard not to get sucked in. The Art of Teaching Writing is a long, wordy book... it has the look of a college textbook and could definitely be used for that purpose (I think it actually was one of mine, though I long ago sold it back). Her Units of Primary Study are more easily accessible, short and to the point in general. I've immersed myself fully in both, and though I already knew Lucy Calkins was a brilliant educator, I've enjoyed "hearing" her voice and seeing her love for the craft. I'm inspired, and I have a renewed sense of purpose. I'm ready to get started.
Luckily this excitement has drowned out the frustration of finally getting the keys to my classroom only to find that it's empty (and being told I already have a parent waiting to meet me... can't be good!). I guess I'll deal with that on Friday!
On a totally different note, tomorrow is the day for the latest round of testing on my heart. I'm less worried than I thought I would be, but I'll still be glad when it's over. Hopefully everything will come back clear and the weight of worry will be lifted...
And now I must quit procrastinating and finish my final Abydos piece!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
no, I didn't use ratiocination...
I've spent the last week and a half learning about the writing process and creating a fabulous piece to publish in our workshop anthology, but I have no intention of applying ANY of that tonight.
I finished the latest rewrite of my anthology piece (number five, maybe?) this afternoon as I sat cross-legged on the examining table in my cardiologist's office waiting to hear the results of my latest EKG. I knew it would be normal (they always are), but I almost hoped for an irregularity... something tangible to show what's going on silently inside my chest. Instead, I got the normal result I expected and a week to look forward to the next round of tests.
I'm thrilled to know that the doctor believes I have a healthy 26 year old heart... possibly a heart rhythm problem that can be easily treated, but nothing unmanageable... but in the back of my mind a persistent voice whispers doubt. What if it's not simple? What if there IS a serious problem? What if, what if, what if... it's an evil little question.
I have a feeling the what ifs will be hard to drown out this week. The anxiety that had ebbed a bit as the doctor calmly explained how the electrical system in my heart works and what he thought might be going on is slowly rising again, and suddenly I'm without words to express the fear that's tightening its grasp on me.
August 6 cannot come soon enough...
I finished the latest rewrite of my anthology piece (number five, maybe?) this afternoon as I sat cross-legged on the examining table in my cardiologist's office waiting to hear the results of my latest EKG. I knew it would be normal (they always are), but I almost hoped for an irregularity... something tangible to show what's going on silently inside my chest. Instead, I got the normal result I expected and a week to look forward to the next round of tests.
I'm thrilled to know that the doctor believes I have a healthy 26 year old heart... possibly a heart rhythm problem that can be easily treated, but nothing unmanageable... but in the back of my mind a persistent voice whispers doubt. What if it's not simple? What if there IS a serious problem? What if, what if, what if... it's an evil little question.
I have a feeling the what ifs will be hard to drown out this week. The anxiety that had ebbed a bit as the doctor calmly explained how the electrical system in my heart works and what he thought might be going on is slowly rising again, and suddenly I'm without words to express the fear that's tightening its grasp on me.
August 6 cannot come soon enough...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
OMG! The Jonas Brothers are AWESOME!!!
Conversation as I watched Hannah Montana in 3D...Bailey: (excited) I can't believe the Jonas Brothers are moving to Texas!
Brooke: (seriously) I know they'll be like 30 or 20 minutes away... we could MEET them. But you wouldn't want to...
Bailey: (confused) Why not?!?
Brooke: Well, you might faint, and you wouldn't want to faint.
Bailey: (swooning) For them I would...
Friday, July 25, 2008
a long, long week
The first weeks back at work after summer always feel about three years long, and this one was no exception. I'm still loving Abydos... it's cathartic to have hours devoted to nothing but writing whatever I want... but the early mornings are killing me.
I'm spending the weekend with two of my favorite little girls... one of whom is playing the piano for me at the moment (sorry, P, we're up really late!!). We've had a fun evening. I've fed them far too much sugar and junk food, and I have plans of continuing this tomorrow along with letting them play with my Wii and watch the Disney Channel for hours on end... this is why they request me to babysit!
I'm being summoned to watch more tv, so I should finish up I guess.
Check out our friends Chris and Lindsay's blog... they could use your prayers.
I'm spending the weekend with two of my favorite little girls... one of whom is playing the piano for me at the moment (sorry, P, we're up really late!!). We've had a fun evening. I've fed them far too much sugar and junk food, and I have plans of continuing this tomorrow along with letting them play with my Wii and watch the Disney Channel for hours on end... this is why they request me to babysit!
I'm being summoned to watch more tv, so I should finish up I guess.
Check out our friends Chris and Lindsay's blog... they could use your prayers.
Monday, July 21, 2008
the beginning of a journey
Today was the first day of my district's Abydos writing institute.
I've been VERY ambivalent about going for the past several weeks. I love writing, and I had heard this training was amazing. But, twelve days of training at the end of the summer is a huge commitment. I ended up going, and so far I have no regrets.
Tonight I have homework for the first time in five years, and rather than dread, I'm filled with excitement. The topic interests me, and I'm authentically engaged (I know, the WOW training is coming out!!)... something I could rarely say in the past. In fact, today as I worked on a project about my previous experiences as a writer, the overwhelming pattern was that I hated writing in school. I was told how to write. I was told what to write. I was told how long to write. Writing always felt like a chore... just another thing to check off the list. The assignments weren't authentic or important. There was no audience. I had no investment outside of getting a good grade. Today was different.
I could go on for hours about the writing I did today. I'm proud of it, even though much of it was atrocious. I explored ideas and started stories, and while many of them will never be finished, a few might. I felt safe in trying things out because I knew I wouldn't receive a grade or be forced to share when I didn't want to. I can't wait to go back tomorrow and write again... I've never been to a training like this.
I pride myself on making my classroom a safe and welcoming place. By all accounts I do, but after experiencing this for myself, I know I'll look closer at the words I say and the procedures I put in place. What a goal to strive for... that every child would be authentically engaged and internally motivated to learn. That classroom would be a true joy!
I can honestly say that I'm excited about teaching, and I haven't felt that in... well, a really long time.
I'm sure I'll have more to say over the next three weeks, but for now I'm going to rest. Even a fun day of training is long after this many weeks off.
I've been VERY ambivalent about going for the past several weeks. I love writing, and I had heard this training was amazing. But, twelve days of training at the end of the summer is a huge commitment. I ended up going, and so far I have no regrets.
Tonight I have homework for the first time in five years, and rather than dread, I'm filled with excitement. The topic interests me, and I'm authentically engaged (I know, the WOW training is coming out!!)... something I could rarely say in the past. In fact, today as I worked on a project about my previous experiences as a writer, the overwhelming pattern was that I hated writing in school. I was told how to write. I was told what to write. I was told how long to write. Writing always felt like a chore... just another thing to check off the list. The assignments weren't authentic or important. There was no audience. I had no investment outside of getting a good grade. Today was different.
I could go on for hours about the writing I did today. I'm proud of it, even though much of it was atrocious. I explored ideas and started stories, and while many of them will never be finished, a few might. I felt safe in trying things out because I knew I wouldn't receive a grade or be forced to share when I didn't want to. I can't wait to go back tomorrow and write again... I've never been to a training like this.
I pride myself on making my classroom a safe and welcoming place. By all accounts I do, but after experiencing this for myself, I know I'll look closer at the words I say and the procedures I put in place. What a goal to strive for... that every child would be authentically engaged and internally motivated to learn. That classroom would be a true joy!
I can honestly say that I'm excited about teaching, and I haven't felt that in... well, a really long time.
I'm sure I'll have more to say over the next three weeks, but for now I'm going to rest. Even a fun day of training is long after this many weeks off.
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