the path that was best

My posts haven't been the happiest as of late. I've had a lot of not so fun stuff going on with school starting and things just generally not going my way, but this weekend was awesome... so I'm going to try to be a little more positive.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to two friends about God's plans (of course), and I made the comment that I knew God had a plan for me but I just wished I could see it right now. When I look at the people who've impacted me greatly, most of them aren't exactly where they wish they were, and while I know it's sometimes painful for them to not get what they want in life, I also see how God has used them to change my life. If they were living the lives they wanted with husbands and families, they wouldn't have been there to play the role God had for them in my life. Again, it's selfish, but it's easy for me to see that while God's plan may not be easy for them, it's definitely a good one, at least for my sake... and I wanted to see that in my own life. As my friends quickly reminded me, we don't always get to see why the plan is better, so I tried to put that desire out of my mind as something that just wasn't going to happen.

And that brings us to yesterday! After several months of scheduling and rescheduling and one conflict after another, I finally got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since before school started. We went for yogurt, but most of the afternoon was spent simply sitting in her living room talking (and laughing so hard I could hardly breathe). She knows me quite well, so when she asked how she could pray for me, I responded more honestly than I might have with someone else. I told her that I've been praying that I'd accept God's plan no matter what it is, even if it doesn't line up with my own, and then I told her the story about the women who've impacted me and how I wished that I could see God's plan so clearly in my own life. By that point I was tearing up, but she looked at me sort of questioningly and said, "You seriously don't see it?" I said no, and she replied, "You're that person to us."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as she kept talking, but even more than being touched by the sweet words she was saying, I was humbled that God gave me what I wanted. He let me see how the past few years of my life not going as I hoped had actually impacted someone else's life, and he showed me that despite my fussing, this plan was great. I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to go back and get my own way if it meant losing this relationship. I never would have chosen this path or even imagined it could exist, but it truly was the best one.

Getting this glimpse of God's plan doesn't totally take away the struggle of wanting my own way for my future, but it's definitely a huge encouragement that God's plan isn't just best for other people. He cares about me and has my best interests in mind, too. I'm grateful that he took the time to remind me and give me another moment to look back on the next time I start to doubt.

the theme

Since I wrote my last post, the enduring topic in my life has been plans. God's plan. My plan. Other people's plans. It's like everywhere I turn someone is talking or teaching or complaining about the plan for her life. It seems to be the theme this fall. Normally I might wonder why I was so inescapably surrounded by one topic, but this time I can't even pretend not to know. It's completely appropriate because while I have moments of acceptance, the theme of MY fall has been displeasure with the course my life is taking.

I want to trust God's plan. I really do, and logically I should. I've seen his promises play out in my life time and time again, and he's brought me through things I thought I could never overcome. I should trust... but I don't. I'm selfish and prideful, and I still want my own way.

Unfortunately, wallowing in my selfishness has caused me to miss celebrating a lot of the blessings I've been given this fall. I'm off ALL my medications and have been for six months. I'm having a great year at work and getting the chance to impact people around me in ways that I haven't before. I paused today to consider my response before spitting some ugly words at a friend who hurt me which might seem small except that I spent most of my life destroying relationships by responding in just that way. Each of those things is HUGE, but all of them and plenty of others have gotten lost in the struggle to accept that I'm not going to get my way right now.

I've been reading a book that gives nice, quick lists of steps to fix various problems (like selfishness... how lucky!), but as much as I wish everything could be fixed in seven quick steps, life isn't that easy. After spending most of the afternoon in tears, I'm feeling secure in God's love tonight and trusting that there's something in this path that's better even though it hurts right now, but that's only today. Tomorrow the struggle will be fresh. I wonder if it ever gets easier...

plans

For the past few months I've found it harder and harder to come up with anything I want to write. Summer was totally awesome, but since I was working for a family that basically all of you know, it didn't seem right to share the stories I came home with at the end of the day. Now that school has started again, the content isn't a problem... it's the complete and utter lack of motivation.

This week will be the 10th week of the school year (crazy!!!), and for about the first 8 weeks I was completely and utterly miserable. I transitioned from spending the summer working for the best people EVER to my regular, stressful, not so fun job. Coming back from summer is never fun, but this year it was especially awful for me. I missed getting to hang out with the family I worked for over the summer, and although everyone acted like I should just slip back into kindergarten like I'd never left, that's not how it worked out at all. I was totally lost for the first couple of weeks, and then once I got my footing I still had to deal not only with all the politics and paperwork I hate, but also with the disappointment that I was starting my 8th year of teaching rather than staying home with the children I wish I had. All of that added up to a great recipe for depression, and around week 2 it hit. Hard. Luckily, after a few days I picked myself up and reached out to a couple of my favorite people, and as it turns out, all those coping strategies I've learned in the past few years work shockingly well when I actually use them.

It took a few more weeks, but things have leveled out again. The crippling anxiety that always seems to come with the beginning of school has tapered off, even without medication, and I'm finally starting to enjoy my class and not mind so much that God's plan for my job doesn't line up with what I want at the moment. It helps that my kids have said several adorable things lately, and I keep getting compliments on my fabulous teaching. Who wouldn't like that? I also got a student teacher who seems great so far, and I've noticed that unlike last year, I actually enjoy mentoring her and feel confident in what I'm teaching and modeling for her. Maybe there's hope for the school year after all.

It's also the end of October, and while September was a little rough, I'm feeling great right now... huge, huge, HUGE event considering that I can't remember the last time I felt normal in fall without medication. Maybe when I was 10 or 11? If you'd asked me this time a year ago, I'd have told you this day would never come. Luckily, in this case, God's plan doesn't always line up with mine!

it's never just lunch...

A few days ago I met a friend for lunch. I looked forward to it all week and had a great time because she totally rocks, but I left wondering, "Why on earth does she choose to spend time with me???" I mean, I'm shy and somewhat awkward with people and not exactly super fun most of the time, and she has plenty of other better options. Why me?

Then yesterday I started reading through my list of blogs to catch up and found a new post on her blog... all about HER insecurities. I almost started laughing because so much of what she said could have come right out of my mouth, but I was also totally shocked because in my mind she has absolutely no reason to feel weird or want to be different. She's fabulous just the way God made her, and I often wish I had her faith and diligence, not to mention her awesome sense of humor. But she feels insecure just like me.

The obvious lesson is that I should probably listen to all the people telling me I'm being ridiculous to think that being my friend is a waste of time, so perhaps I'll try a little harder to trust what they say. The deeper realization has been that I'm a lot more insecure at times than I realized. If you'd asked me if I liked myself I would have said that most of the time I do, but when I started thinking about it I noticed that while I do like a lot of things about who I am now, there are definitely traits I wish I didn't have. I've learned to be ok with being quiet because it gives me a chance to be a really good listener, but there are times that I wish I was better at talking to people (like this morning at church during the awkward silence after greeting the woman next to me). I'm glad that I feed on deep conversations with my close friends, but some days I wish I could be ok with just having fun and staying on the surface. It would certainly make life simpler! And there are TONS of other little things about how I interact with people, things that make me who I am, that I'm not so sure about. It turns out I may not be as content with how God made me as I thought.

Anyhow, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to have to do some serious rethinking of my perception of myself. I should probably infuse a little more God and a weed out a lot of me. Amazing how that tends to fix things...

Happy 4th of July! And just for fun, a link to the other blog I read yesterday. I guess it's the topic of the week. :)

the best summer yet?

Yesterday a friend told me that she was pretty sure summer would be the best part of being a teacher.

My immediate response was that yes, summer is definitely the best part of my job, but as I thought about it today, I remembered that it wasn't always that way. The first few summers were lonely and boring, particularly my first summer here in Dallas. It was nice to have two months off work, but sitting at home all day by myself wasn't all that thrilling. In fact, it was pretty depressing.

This summer (so far) has been the best yet. As of a few weeks ago, I'm completely off ALL my depression and anxiety meds for the first time in almost three years, and I feel great. This time last year, I thought this day would never come, but by the grace of God, it did. Just thinking about the healing and change in my life makes me smile uncontrollably. I'm also babysitting part time for a family that I adore, and they just happen to love me right back. I wake up in the mornings excited to head to their house to see what the boys and their mom have planned for our day. And we went to the lake last weekend with our new community group and had a great time, AND I made it home without getting sunburned. June is going great so far.

There are still some changes going on that I don't like or understand, but at the moment I'm so thrilled with the blessings of this week that I've been able to put those fears aside. I can see how some of these difficult situations are opening up new opportunities that I never thought I'd have, but it's still hard. I want things to be the same. I want my own way.

I want what I know... even though what I'm getting may be better.

another year down

The experiment in fourth grade is officially over. My kids and I moved all my stuff down the hall right back where it came from, and then after a giant group hug, they walked out the door as proud fifth graders. It's summer!

I found out about three weeks ago that I'd be moving back to kindergarten, but until yesterday, it was officially a secret (although I'd told plenty of non-school people anyway). I didn't want to move. A lot of people have been shocked to hear that I wanted to stay put after my worries about moving to fourth grade in the first place, but I did. I felt like I finally figured out what I was doing around March, so I was excited to start next year knowing all that I do now. It was going to be great.

I'm trying to believe that kindergarten will be great too, and there are moments when I do. Today I was walking down the hall when about six random kindergartners decided to hug me just because their friend (who I actually knew) gave me a hug when she walked by. That's something big kids just don't do. My Lakeshore kids and lots of other things I used to love will be able to come out of storage, and I enjoyed seeing natural light shining through the leaves of the tree outside my window when we moved everything back into my old room. It's not what I wanted, but I'm starting to come around to the idea.

My attitude is pretty good now, but it hasn't been for the past few weeks. I didn't (and still don't) understand God's plan in this situation or in several others that I've faced since the middle of May, and I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in my anger and bitterness. I looked at what I've seen God do in my life over the past few years. Then I looked at what was going on right now, and even though I knew what I should believe, I doubted. I trusted my plan rather than his, and I shut him out.

Last Sunday I learned that people pay more attention to my behavior than I thought when a friend said she was responding to a hard situation the same way I would: by shutting people out and refusing to listen to the truth. Wow. In three weeks I'd gone from being someone I would have been proud to call a friend to someone I wouldn't want to admit I knew. Not only did I make my own situation worse by running from God, I dragged others into the abyss with me.

So now I'm choosing to listen to the truth and trying to trust that God's plan for my life is better than mine even though I don't like it at the moment. I want so very much to trust and be content where I am, and I even get to teach that particular truth this month. I have a feeling I'll be learning more than my girls. Funny how that always works out...

the thing to do

Apparently the thing to do when you're 28 and married is have kids. This isn't anything new. In fact, it started around 25. People ask me all the time when (not if) we're going to have kids, and in case you were wondering, the answer is not anytime soon.

Most of the time I'm ok with that because I recognize that God has a different plan for me right now, but the past few weeks I've been really frustrated. It feels like everyone I know is either pregnant or obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Some days I think it's the only thing anyone talks about. I've heard all about fertility treatments and morning sickness and how great it feels when your baby moves inside your stomach, and there's nothing at all wrong with talking about those things. It just gets awfully boring and sometimes a little sad since I'm not in that place.

Today it hurts. I wish we had kids, and it totally sucks to have to sit and listen to people go on and on and ON about their journeys. But that's what I have to do. Every single day.

It's one of those days I wish I was any age but this one.