the best friday EVER

Friday is known in my classroom as Letter Person Day.

Now, if you know me at all, I'm sure you've heard that I abhor the Letter People. They rank second only to Cooking Wednesday on the list of activities that require lots of effort and are a complete waste of time. As a curriculum, the Letter People are fine for Pre-K (although I think they look completely creepy), but kindergarteners have to move faster than one letter a week... I know, heresy! At any rate, today was not only Halloween but LETTER PERSON DAY!!!!! Yes, the Letter People outrank Halloween with my class.

So, this morning I was in a particularly good mood and decided to pull down the two giant boxes of Letter People I've been hiding in my closet and blow them up to decorate our room before we went to meet the new one. I can't stand them, but I knew it would make my kids' day. As predicted, when my kids walked in and saw our room filled with Letter People, they flipped. I thought they might all pass out from sheer joy.

"Do we get to KEEP them?!?"
"How did they get here?!?"
"It's ALL of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Can we give them a hug?!?"

Our very own set of Letter People. Life is now complete.

And every bit of that story was just background for the rest :-)

We have Writer's Workshop every single day, and it's one of my kids' (and my) favorite times. On a normal day, everyone sits down and starts to write without much prompting... Halloween does not count as a normal day.

After our minilesson, they get up to get notebooks and instead of getting to work, they start talking, walking around, playing with friends, etc. Now, on a normal day, this is totally unacceptable, and Halloween is no different in my mind. I stopped them and let them remind me of the expectations, but within, oh, two minutes, they were off task again. At this point, I threatened to sign folders and take away part of recess... still no good. It is Halloween after all. So, in a moment of frustration I responded, "You have until 0 and then I am taking away one Letter Person at a time until you are following our kindergarten rules."

Before I could even start counting every single child was silently writing, and not a one of them moved until I called them to clean up.

I guess the Letter People are good for something after all!

(a very blurry view of our new cubby decor)

a daunting task

Since I slept in then slept all afternoon, I'm guessing I'll be up for hours... I might as well write.

This month I've been teaching six and seven year old girls about making wise decisions. Putting aside the obvious irony that I of all people would be teaching others how to make good choices, it's been a great experience. I'll probably have the ridiculous song in my head for roughly the next six months, but I bet I'll pause for at least a moment the next time I'm about to do something really stupid.

I've enjoyed getting to know my girls, but from an adult perspective, I've enjoyed hearing them articulate their knowledge of the Bible. They're so young (as I was reminded when one of them asked tonight why they don't get Goldfish in first grade... they always got them before), but because of the way they've been raised, they know their stuff. I sometimes think I could just sit back and let them teach...

I often question how my children (if I ever had any) would fare in a room of children at Watermark. What kind of parent would I be? What would my children value? How much of my struggles would they pick up, either through nature or nurture? How much would I reflect Christ in my choices and behavior towards them and others? How would I equip them to love Christ even when it feels hard, something I struggle with immensely? When I think of it that way, being a parent sounds like such a daunting task.

This weekend I met my friend Angie's twin babies, Isaac and Lilly. They were adorable (aren't all babies?), but I was reminded how glad I am that they are not mine. I do still want children one day, though it appears more and more likely that particular dream may not come true, but at least for now, I feel a sense of relief. A reminder that before I got caught up in competing with the people around me, I knew I wasn't ready to take that step.

I'm finally fading, so hopefully I can now fall asleep. I need to be alert and ready for the 18 kids that I get to love on and impact right now... only a slightly less daunting proposition.

shattered

Yesterday I started reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb, and about five minutes in, I realized that this book was going to hit on many of the themes in my life lately including a major one... if God is truly loving, why is life so difficult?

Over the past few weeks, I've watched as the dreams I had for my life have, in many ways, shattered. In my fairy tale, by now I'd be a young, stay-at-home mom with cute kids and a beautiful home. In my real life, my friends are moving forward with starting families while I have once again begun the frustrating search for the right combination of crazy pills that will keep me sane. Despite all my work and all the programs and counseling I've done, my depression returned. Again. This just isn't how I dreamed my life would look.

I don't know how I'll feel about this book in the end, but so far I find it both challenging and soothing. For most of my life, I've heard all the "right" Christian comfort, but it feels almost offensive most of the time... like a way for the person to escape the pain that I can't escape. People want to hear that I trust that God will ultimately take away my struggles or at least give me happiness despite them, not that I'm hurting and confused and at times want nothing to do with the person who allows this pain to occur even though He could stop it at any time. They don't want to deal with the grim reality that God's plan for my life may INCLUDE this struggle. Forever. It may not go away. And they often don't want to consider that, maybe, just maybe, this is NOT a reflection of my worthiness as a Christian.

Why does God allow pain and heartbreak and shattered dreams? Maybe, like Crabb suggests, it is to draw us closer to Him... to strip us down until we can see deep in our souls that we need God. Maybe it's to teach us things we'd never learn otherwise. Maybe it's to allow us to comfort others who are experiencing that deep pain as well. Maybe it's all of these things and many others. All I know is that I can't accept that it is simply to punish us for a failed relationship with Him...

I sometimes wish that I had the seemingly easy life that many people around me have... the ones who float around happily while all their dreams come true. But, as I was reminded this week, the trade off is often a life filled with inauthentic, surface only relationships to avoid the struggle of really living life with people, of really delving into the depths of our own hearts and seeing our own weaknesses and faults.

For whatever reason, I've had more than my fair share of pain in my life thus far, and that sucks. But, the pain has definitely revealed my soul and drawn me closer to God, and even in the midst of a low time, I am still glad to have caught a glimpse of my authentic heart.