my place

I desperately want a place to belong.

I've watched for most of the past three years at Watermark as the people around me each found their niche, but I always feel like I'm standing on the outside, separated by an invisible barrier. We've tried the community group thing twice now, and both times we've ended up the outsiders-- the ones left over when the rest of the group tightens. Though I can see reasons in each case that the group was not the best fit, when I think about the end result I find myself coming back to the same conclusion: I'm the flaw.

This morning, I sat there in a room of a thousand people, and all I could think was that there wasn't a single person in that room who cared if I lived or died or would have noticed if I never came back. In the past, that would have been because I chose to remain walled off and hidden inside myself. This time that isn't the case. I've done all the right things... community groups, activities, serving-- in multiple ministries, nonetheless. I've tried the best I know how, often when I would have rather pulled into my shell, and the result has been heartache.

Lately, I often wonder if there's any point in trying anymore. Maybe it's time to give up on this church and move on. There are many things I'd miss, but I wouldn't miss the pain of seeing all the people who've succeeded where I've failed. For all the self blame, I do question whether it is totally my fault. I have friends at work and in the other groups I'm involved in... why can't I make it work here?