the best friday EVER

Friday is known in my classroom as Letter Person Day.

Now, if you know me at all, I'm sure you've heard that I abhor the Letter People. They rank second only to Cooking Wednesday on the list of activities that require lots of effort and are a complete waste of time. As a curriculum, the Letter People are fine for Pre-K (although I think they look completely creepy), but kindergarteners have to move faster than one letter a week... I know, heresy! At any rate, today was not only Halloween but LETTER PERSON DAY!!!!! Yes, the Letter People outrank Halloween with my class.

So, this morning I was in a particularly good mood and decided to pull down the two giant boxes of Letter People I've been hiding in my closet and blow them up to decorate our room before we went to meet the new one. I can't stand them, but I knew it would make my kids' day. As predicted, when my kids walked in and saw our room filled with Letter People, they flipped. I thought they might all pass out from sheer joy.

"Do we get to KEEP them?!?"
"How did they get here?!?"
"It's ALL of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Can we give them a hug?!?"

Our very own set of Letter People. Life is now complete.

And every bit of that story was just background for the rest :-)

We have Writer's Workshop every single day, and it's one of my kids' (and my) favorite times. On a normal day, everyone sits down and starts to write without much prompting... Halloween does not count as a normal day.

After our minilesson, they get up to get notebooks and instead of getting to work, they start talking, walking around, playing with friends, etc. Now, on a normal day, this is totally unacceptable, and Halloween is no different in my mind. I stopped them and let them remind me of the expectations, but within, oh, two minutes, they were off task again. At this point, I threatened to sign folders and take away part of recess... still no good. It is Halloween after all. So, in a moment of frustration I responded, "You have until 0 and then I am taking away one Letter Person at a time until you are following our kindergarten rules."

Before I could even start counting every single child was silently writing, and not a one of them moved until I called them to clean up.

I guess the Letter People are good for something after all!

(a very blurry view of our new cubby decor)

a daunting task

Since I slept in then slept all afternoon, I'm guessing I'll be up for hours... I might as well write.

This month I've been teaching six and seven year old girls about making wise decisions. Putting aside the obvious irony that I of all people would be teaching others how to make good choices, it's been a great experience. I'll probably have the ridiculous song in my head for roughly the next six months, but I bet I'll pause for at least a moment the next time I'm about to do something really stupid.

I've enjoyed getting to know my girls, but from an adult perspective, I've enjoyed hearing them articulate their knowledge of the Bible. They're so young (as I was reminded when one of them asked tonight why they don't get Goldfish in first grade... they always got them before), but because of the way they've been raised, they know their stuff. I sometimes think I could just sit back and let them teach...

I often question how my children (if I ever had any) would fare in a room of children at Watermark. What kind of parent would I be? What would my children value? How much of my struggles would they pick up, either through nature or nurture? How much would I reflect Christ in my choices and behavior towards them and others? How would I equip them to love Christ even when it feels hard, something I struggle with immensely? When I think of it that way, being a parent sounds like such a daunting task.

This weekend I met my friend Angie's twin babies, Isaac and Lilly. They were adorable (aren't all babies?), but I was reminded how glad I am that they are not mine. I do still want children one day, though it appears more and more likely that particular dream may not come true, but at least for now, I feel a sense of relief. A reminder that before I got caught up in competing with the people around me, I knew I wasn't ready to take that step.

I'm finally fading, so hopefully I can now fall asleep. I need to be alert and ready for the 18 kids that I get to love on and impact right now... only a slightly less daunting proposition.

shattered

Yesterday I started reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb, and about five minutes in, I realized that this book was going to hit on many of the themes in my life lately including a major one... if God is truly loving, why is life so difficult?

Over the past few weeks, I've watched as the dreams I had for my life have, in many ways, shattered. In my fairy tale, by now I'd be a young, stay-at-home mom with cute kids and a beautiful home. In my real life, my friends are moving forward with starting families while I have once again begun the frustrating search for the right combination of crazy pills that will keep me sane. Despite all my work and all the programs and counseling I've done, my depression returned. Again. This just isn't how I dreamed my life would look.

I don't know how I'll feel about this book in the end, but so far I find it both challenging and soothing. For most of my life, I've heard all the "right" Christian comfort, but it feels almost offensive most of the time... like a way for the person to escape the pain that I can't escape. People want to hear that I trust that God will ultimately take away my struggles or at least give me happiness despite them, not that I'm hurting and confused and at times want nothing to do with the person who allows this pain to occur even though He could stop it at any time. They don't want to deal with the grim reality that God's plan for my life may INCLUDE this struggle. Forever. It may not go away. And they often don't want to consider that, maybe, just maybe, this is NOT a reflection of my worthiness as a Christian.

Why does God allow pain and heartbreak and shattered dreams? Maybe, like Crabb suggests, it is to draw us closer to Him... to strip us down until we can see deep in our souls that we need God. Maybe it's to teach us things we'd never learn otherwise. Maybe it's to allow us to comfort others who are experiencing that deep pain as well. Maybe it's all of these things and many others. All I know is that I can't accept that it is simply to punish us for a failed relationship with Him...

I sometimes wish that I had the seemingly easy life that many people around me have... the ones who float around happily while all their dreams come true. But, as I was reminded this week, the trade off is often a life filled with inauthentic, surface only relationships to avoid the struggle of really living life with people, of really delving into the depths of our own hearts and seeing our own weaknesses and faults.

For whatever reason, I've had more than my fair share of pain in my life thus far, and that sucks. But, the pain has definitely revealed my soul and drawn me closer to God, and even in the midst of a low time, I am still glad to have caught a glimpse of my authentic heart.

patience?

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

-Psalm 40: 1-2

I frequently get comments about my patience (surprisingly, not my lack thereof!). I've asked people to explain before because typically when someone compliments me, I feel anything but patient inside. I'm usually taking slow breaths and trying not to scream! The response I consistently receive is that no matter how frustrated I might be inside, I keep my composure in the moment. There are good and bad parts to that trait (like it's great in a classroom but a pretty bad way to do life), but I am generally glad that it's something people say about me.

I don't know what patience should look like on the inside. I imagine someone who's totally peaceful... serene... a person floating along on a cloud while things slowly occur around her. However, as this verse has spun through my head lately, I've started to see something pretty different. Waiting patiently isn't always such a calm, sedate time... it can be a time of earnestly crying out, of being hopelessly stuck in the mud.

I doubt the people who see me day to day would say that I've been drowning in quicksand the past few weeks. It doesn't necessarily show on the outside, but that's the most accurate way to describe what I've felt. I've sung the words of Psalm 40 through over and over in my mind, but I haven't found a firm place to stand. Just the opposite: every time I start to think I've found a foothold, I fall deeper into the pit.

I've been angry with God, and I've struggled to accept the challenges He's placed before me this week. I don't understand this path or this timing, and I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. I want rest, not a new problem to solve.

Is this patience? Maybe... maybe not. I'm waiting at any rate. Waiting, perhaps patiently, because I know my Lord hears my cries.

a compliment... and my frustration

This week my classroom has been a revolving door for the various behavior experts in the district. As always, I have some... challenging behaviors. For some reason I just seem to attract those kids. I can't really complain though... I love those darlings quite deeply.

Yesterday my babies got one of the best compliments I've ever received. A behavior specialist came in to observe and at the end of her visit she commented that my class was very supportive and well bonded for the beginning of the year... that they took care of and watched out for each other in a special way.

To me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. I've always had a gift for building those relationships with children. My class is bonded. They do love each other well, even the ones who are at times hard to love. It's an attitude that was introduced the first day we met, and by the time June comes around we'll all be crying on our way out the door. They are becoming a family.

Though I'm glad that I can build those relationships with my students, I find it incredibly frustrating that I just cannot form those same tight relationships with my peers. I know how to make it work better than anyone else I know in a classroom. Why can't I do it with my own life?

I know some of the answers. My fear holds me back, and taking risks with adults is much more intimidating than risking with children. I recognize that I play games with people... set them up to fail me because I'm so sure that they will. And my naturally introverted personality doesn't make relationship any easier either.

I've been burned so many times that I imagine trusting other adults is one of those things that will always be difficult for me, but I wish that it wasn't. I long for safe, consistent relationships... not the isolation that comes with my fear.

I assume that as with most fear, the longer I challenge it, the smaller it will become. For now I will just have to wait and hope...

finally!

It took almost exactly a month, but I finally feel settled again.

In case anyone was unsure, I do NOT do transitions well! I hate change, particularly change that I don't have any control over. I like consistency and order and rules, and when I don't have those things, my whole little world is thrown out of whack... seriously. I just cannot handle it.

So, this afternoon, I was sitting at my computer trying to catch up on e-mail when a mom walked in the room to discuss her daughter's struggles with transitions. What a timely topic, right? I listened quietly and attentively and tried to add some nonspecific advice from time to time, but the whole time I'm sitting there thinking "If you only knew who you're talking to..." I'm basically her daughter in grown up form.

Luckily, despite all my fear and frustration and sadness (and at times fit throwing), most of my recent changes have gone well. Me, the girl who's pretty much always hated teaching, found herself sitting with her kids this afternoon truly enjoying her new job. And GroupLink, for all my fussing, turned out really well. I'm actually having FUN meeting the new people (yes, H... I owe you an apology!).

This feels very disjointed, but I guess it's just going to be that way because I've been busy being my typical social butterfly self. No time to write, and now it's time for bed ;-)

Thanks for the prayers and comments during my transition drama... I am SO thankful it's over!

loneliness

The first two weeks with my new class have gone by more smoothly than any before. Perhaps it's because I'm more experienced, finally confident in what I do. Maybe it's just the mix of kids or as my teammates have suggested, the luck of the draw. I prefer to think that God knew I had enough on my plate and gave me some grace. Whatever it is, I'm thankful to be enjoying teaching for once.

What I'm not enjoying is the loneliness that always seems to happen with significant change. I know there are others around me feeling it too. A little girl from my old campus hugs me every time she sees me in the hall though I barely knew her before. One of my former students, now a big first grader, called my cell phone this afternoon just to talk. I hang out with my former co-workers far more now than I ever did when we worked together, and I'm not even begging :-) I guess starting over is hard for us all.

Though it's not particularly fun, I can accept that loneliness. I chose this new start, and I know that the newness will wear off eventually. What I cannot come to terms with are the broken relationships and pain going on all around me because of the selfish and arrogant choice of one woman. Yes, I'm greatly simplifying the intricacy of relationship and giving her a lot of power, but unfortunately, it's not an exaggeration... being in a place of leadership, she held significant power in many lives. Hundreds of people are hurting, and unlike her, none of us had the luxury of choosing this path.

The past month has been almost completely consumed by navigating this conflict, and I often wake up wondering when things will finally feel settled again. I'd become spoiled with having such a large community. I knew that someone was always an e-mail or a phone call away, but now that I can count my friends on one hand, I frequently find myself alone. I'd forgotten how miserable and suffocating that can feel... it's not a feeling I've missed.

The obvious solution to my problem (as someone was so kind to point out to me this week) is to make new friends. I found that statement offensive... as though I could just go out and pick up friends like milk at the grocery store. If only it were that simple.

Tomorrow afternoon my husband and I will set out on the path to do just that: miraculously make new friends at GroupLink. To say that I'm skeptical would be a gross understatement. I've never exactly been trusting, and after the events of recent weeks, the last thing I want to do is dive headlong into relationship with people I am randomly paired with... but since I have no better idea, I'm giving it a shot.

I need people... real, live, tangible people who share my beliefs and will love and challenge me to keep going down the right path... and for the moment I'm just going to have to trust that somewhere in all of this mess God has a plan that I am unable to see.